Monthly Archives: February 2012
You all probably know that Brief Encounter is possibly my favourite fillum ever, right? I just rediscovered this, a splendid parody by Victoria Wood poking fun at the whole thing. Enjoy
“Why have you given us our lines like this, you sexy Wombat?” I hear you say. Well now, I did think (and I was asked) that some people might not know the monologues herein dissected, and may prefer to hear them in their full entirety only when I reveal the complete, pasted together mess. Also – 162 DMs? Far more tedious than knocking this up. (Use the “Next Theme” tab just up there if you want a reminder of what we’re doing here).
So, find your name and click on the little image next to it in order to reveal your lines. Record them, get them onto Audioboo (are other audio sites available? I know of none), and on Sunday 4th post a link to your boo so that we can all hear your lovely voice.
If your eyes are such that you have trouble reading your lines from the image, let me know so I can DM them to you instead. And don’t worry about pronunciation, try to use your normal voice – that’s what we’d all like to hear after all.
The post Christmas break did me a world of good, and it seems to have done you lot good too, with around a nundred photos posted on the day. Some really good ones too, you talented lot.
Now listen, at #mancscurry I discussed #SUNDAYPICS with those who enjoyed it, in the main about the best way to prevent me from burning out now that there are so many entries for every theme, and given that I wanted to write proper narrative blogs. Most suggested I make it a monthly event, so that I’d be able to write the blogs and not feel forced to spend the whole of every Sunday collecting, tagging and commenting. Those who have done a guest stint on here will tell you how time-consuming the process actually is.
So, #SUNDAYPICS will be weekly up to and including 4th March, after which I’ll change to running a theme on the first Sunday of every month. Of course, this doesn’t stop you having unofficial #SUNDAYPICSFRINGE events like the recent Animal Arses. Before we hit the pics, enhoy this video and listen to the music as you browse. @alliterative says the theme reminded him of The Arrogant Worms.
Now here’s your Roady pics – hover over them as usual for names and explanatory notes. They really are worth a look – some fascinating pics.
I’ve thought long and hard about this, prompted by the stirring renditions of “Flower of Scotland” and “Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau” at the recent rugby international. We need to replace our turgid dirge with something more arousing. I’ve considered the usual suspects – “Land of Hope and Glory”, “Jerusalem” and “The Theme from Dad’s Army” which, while far better than “God-save-our-gracious-queen-mumble-mumble-mumble”, still don’t lift the heart to the giddiest of heights. No, THIS should be our new anthem! As you listen, imagine a stadium full of people singing at the tops of their voices! Magnificent!
I know what you’re thinking – surely not everyone will want to learn to speak Dragontongue? With that in mind, I’ve written English words especially for the less linguistically gifted.
She’s the Queen, she’s the Queen, she’s so lovely and clean.
And she wears lovely coats while she’s eating Soreen.
She’s got millions of hats and a big crown as well.
Wherever she goes, smelly peasants all yell
HooRAH! HooRAH! HooRAH!
I make no apology for firstly pointing you once again to @davidtims blog. It perfectly encapsulates everything that is good about Twanta, and might help go some way to explaining to those who didn’t, why so many people got angry about this. Also, I’ve drawn The Grinch, look. Terrible, isn’t it? Looks more like a cat about to be spayed – but I’ll not nick a copyrighted image off the internet so you’ll have to put up with it (and I don’t like posts without a pic – that’s like chips with no vinegar). You’ll understand the Grinch theme in a minute.
Now bear in mind as you read this, not everyone who sent a gift late was at fault – some had valid reasons, and were thoughtful enough to let me & their twantee know. However, since this has caused a bit of a twitterfuss lately, I’d just like to give you just one example about one person who let Twanta down. To maintain anonymity we’ll call this person “The Grinch”. After you’ve read this, you’ll be aware of the sort of crap that’s been going on behind the scenes this year. There are other examples, sadly.
Back in November, The Grinch asked to join Twanta. As November and December unwound, I posted regular reminders of last posting dates. A fortnight before Christmas, I DMd a reminder to all those whose twantees hadn’t yet received a gift. I did the same with a week to go, plus an extra two DMs to those who had not mentioned Twanta at all on their timelines (including The Grinch). The Grinch’s timeline was full of normal tweets, so I knew Grinch wasn’t dead or missing. After Christmas, with still no sign of either a gift or a response, I brought in one of the kind & fragrant Twanta Fairies to send the twantee (who we’ll call Flower) a consolation pressie. Now, Flower (bless her) assumed that this had come from her original Twanta (she had learned the identity), and sent thanks to The Grinch for the gift. Grinch, being a twatmonger of the first order, did not even have the decency to tell Flower that the present hadn’t come from them. All this came to light as I checked that the Twanta Fairy pressies had arrived, and I was able to put Flower right about who had actually sent her gift, so she was able to thank the proper Fairy.
Now read David’s blog again – see what we lose when people act like The Grinch? Faith in humanity, that’s what, and sparkly Christmas Days, and I for one rather like those things.
Right This bit is Mavis: I got a bit cross the other day. (Sorry, it’s what I do) but a few of you called me on it & you were right. I shouldn’t let it spoil things, & it hasn’t really. We should focus on the good stuff. I just got a bit cross because I knew how much work Wombat had put into this & (like many wives & mothers) was protecting my family. I didn’t want anyone to think that he’d just sent out the original emails then just left things to trundle along. Everyone was reminded, sometimes on several occasions, and all they needed to do was explain. Several people did (thank you all) & messages were passed on, ruffled feathers smoothed & contingency arrangements put in place. Very, very special thanks go to the Twanta Fairies who stepped in with extra presents so no-one would remain disappointed (I’d like to name them at some point – with permission). Also Royal Mail didn’t perform this year with the superb efficiency they did last year which added to the (relative) chaos.
We have learned our lesson & assuming Wombat has the strength to do it all again next year, we will be much more careful about who is allowed to take part.
BUT the bits that went well went superbly well. We had about 120 people involved from about 10 countries, which is pretty brilliant.
Oh & Happy New Year.
Thanks to a @splashman rescue, you can once again read Part 1 after I accidentally deleted it.
Here we go with a mega-blog of your #TWANTA2011 gifts. *cracks knuckles to prepare for days of typing*. There are so many to get through that it will appear in two parts. Also, let’s maintain the one-year tradition of last year by making you hover over each picture to discover, through the magic of popup, the identity of the kind Twanta who sent that particular treasure. But first…
An introductory whinge – This year’s Twanta was tainted by too many gifts not turning up. Royal Mail did lose one or two, and some had a perfectly valid reason for sending late (don’t worry, I know who you are), but too many people asked to join in & then completely ignored it, even to the extent of ignoring any DMs I sent in their direction. How sodding thoughtless to agree, then fail to take part, thus disappointing people and denying them the chance to participate in the Christmas Day fun. Not sure what I’ll do about this next year, or even whether I’ll bother, given the hassle such twatmongers cause. I DO though want to thank my TWANTA CHRISTMAS FAIRIES, who stepped in to sent a pressie to those who missed out. I’ll name them as the gift-giver in each case.
Now read on to find out which considerate person / annoying git sent yours. Oh, and every so often I’ll burst into song as I type, depending on what music was playing as I wrote. One hundred extra Wombat Points to anyone who recognises all the songs.
@tsaksonakis (for it is he!) starts off our marathon gift giving. “Rudolph Beginnings!” as he wryly puts it. “A big thank you to my #Twanta – I waited three weeks to open that; as soon as it reached midnight the temptation proved too much”. Honestly, you big kid!
“Choc inside & out, Sod #WifeysTwitterDiet” says @wifenotlodger, “Fantastic!” Erm – but what good does smearing your face with chocolate stuff do? Other than making you look daft and amusing us all, obviously. Your Twanta who obviously wants to smear you with chocolate.
Can’t quite make this out from @matcochr… *clicks to see bigger pic* ..oh right. Spongebob Squarepants things, and something foreign. I’ve never seen Spongebob Squarepants, and never been tempted to. I’d have those biscuits, though. Hover over the pic to find out who the exotic foreign tongue belongs to.
What could be more perfect for @TheFlossieTP than naked men? Why, naked rugby players arrayed in calendar form of course. Look at him smirking there, with his funny-shaped balls and his poncy tattoo which’ll look dead stupid when he’s 65 by the way. Not a patch on a real man. Jealous? Me? Dead right.
One of several premature ejaculators, #SUNDAYPICS-wise (What? It’s a metaphor, just a metaphor) was @teddy_red, displaying a fine range of comestibles in a pic that I now realise would also fit into the New Year’s Day #nuddyfood theme. Flick a switch and open your third eye, you’d see that we should never be afraid to die, so come on.
Two pics now from @shysarah2009, which I’ll let her describe – “My beautifully wrapped #twanta2011 gift, and the most gorgeous smelling candley contents I LOVE IT”. She does like a candley content, obviously.
Look! It’s one of those thingies that I want! @breadesign is now the proud owner of a foldaway book light, precisely engineered to work with foldaway books. “Thank you Twanta whoever you are!” comes the cry.
And as if by magic, here comes @jigsawtherapy herself now. Listen, she can’t contain herself – “Wow! Love my Xmas socks – on my feet now! Chocs later! Thank you so much whoever you are ;-)”
Here be the delightful @cloudofutopia – “My Twanta is awesome, even the pups were remembered!!”. That’s one of the things I like about #twanta when it’s done properly. A bit of investigation really helps make sure a pressie *fits*.
Hey look, it’s that @waywardlou woman. I’d better let her speak or she’ll hit me – “Merry Christmas #sundaypics folk. Here is what I got. So pretty. Inside was this… LOVE IT. *tries to eat it* Oodles of thanks”
I rather like the Twitter-based content of this next gift, which was sent to @1mumble – “My #twanta #sundaypics gift. My tweets maybe mildly amusing from now on. Thank you” Why on earth am I pretending? I’m here again, the stars befriending; They come and go of their own free will.
@xemk8x ‘s -#twanta present “is fab – the perfect gift for me! Thanks – whoever you are!” If you hover your cursor over the picture, you’ll find out!
Here’s another that’s had some thought put into it – tis the present received by @lardychap, he of the danger pandas and stuff. Sadly, I failed to record his ejaculations when he opened it. Yes, I said ejaculations, it’s a perfectly valid word. You pervs.
“A HUGE thank you to my Secret Twanta for the Fab Mug & lovely chutney” effuses @doodledawne , showing great restraint as well as elegance by not drawing something filthy on the mug, as I would obviously have done.
Tis a monkey for @ariadnes_web, who says “Merry Christmas everyone and thank you, Twanta, for making me smile. Look, we’re being supervised!” Now who on earth could have sent her a monkey?
“Thank you #Twanta2011 for my lovely gift!” says lovely @lottedh. Perfect for this time of year, eh? Nicely laid out for the photo too.
She loves you, yeah yeah yeah…. sorry. Anyway, here’s @cara_erin showing us her rather nice gift and saying “Thank you to my #twanta2011 I absolutely love my gorgeous gifts!”
@cymraescoch pops in from taking a little twitter break to say “thank you twanta!!”. What’s that thing on the right? *clicks to see bigger picture* – ah, it appears to be an Inukshuk. My, an Inukshuk eh? Not many people get an Inukshuk. Pssst, Canadians, what’s an Inukshuk?
I said NUTBUSH! Nutbush City Limit! That @dawbes, bless her little cotton socks, offered to be two Twantas this year. Her first pressie elicited this response “Hahahahaha THANK YOU! I drink vodka too!” Her second is a dangly goodie, a “Pretty wind chime which I’ve so far used to scare the cat with”.
@dutch_bitch is a fan of her gift. (ba-dum-tish) – “I LOVE my #twanta2011 gift. It’s a message fan! I LOVE it! I can’t stop fiddling with it”. I do wonder whether you’re able to change the message, cos I’d have chosen something… well, you can guess.
I’m so glad someone had enough respect for tradition to send @awesomeorchid this – “I got a WHOOPEE CUSHION!!!” she squeals, in evident girly delight. Strange woman, but then we all like that, don’t we?
Hop two it! This tandem space-hopper is a winner with @fbishwife, despite it looking like a normal space-hopper with a haemorrhoid problem. “How fantastic!” she enthuses, “Thank you the whole family loves it!! Mealtimes are much more interesting now”. Yes, OK, I added that last sentence myself.
Which cheapskate sent a cup of coffee? Oh wait, tis more than that, n’est-ce pas? Tis a PUZZLE. @candysherbet is enthused “I keep saying WOW to this fantastic gift.TY SO much to the sender xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (blimey, snogs) Love the rating of virtually impossible too heh heh.Just the way I like them. I LOVE MY CO…” Yes, yes, calm down dear, calm down
Are those … buttons … on that dolly? EW *shudder*. I loathe buttons (koumpounophobia – look it up). @littlemammy can finish this herself while I move swiftly on to more chocolatey concerns. “Wow!! I don’t hide my childish side as much as I thought!! I LOVE it. Thank you @jamerz3294”
Here’s the estimable tube-station-walking @newsmary – “Thank you #twanta2011 for my CHOCOLATE COFFEE BEANS”. Those three words go perfectly together, don’t they? I’m romancin’ the sto-one! Never leaving your poor heart alone…
Here she is, my bonny lass. Baileys chocs and booze? Yes please! Rats, she won’t let me have any. Apparently when we got married I endowed her with my wordly goods, but not the other way round. Bloody small print. @little_mavis says “Thank-you #twanta2011 – A lovely gift of festive indulgence”
We’ve got three pictures from @mannymunkeh (count ‘em!), cos he got all excited. “I’m going in” he squeaks, then “DUDES!!!!!!! Awesome #TWANTA2011!!!” No wonder he’s thrilled – he has a new girlfriend, AND some beetles to make and play with. Lucky monkeh.
The lovely @minidibdob worked out who her Twanta was, and so was able to say “@dawbes thank you so much for my #Twanta gift. Genius it’s very me & completely lush”. Lush? Isn’t that someone who drinks a lot of gin? Oh I see….
There’s @sarahtregear on the left, opening her pressie with her three hands…. wait, what? What does she say? “Just opening my gift…. I have a helper too”. Oh phew, thank goodness for that. Mind you, I could think of a few uses for a three-handed woman.
“Killer Klowns from Outer Space – in space no one can eat ice cream”. Meryl Streep’s finest, I reckon. I’ll bet @richlieu_uk really enjoys it for its poetic sub-theme. “Superb, thank you” he effuses. Your bones will be broken and your blood will be shed, Your eyes will be taken and your hands will be tied
“My wonderful hen related #Twanta presents…they’re perfect” says dear @LettyP1. I happen to know the artist, you know. Oh yeah. (psst – it’s Wombette Minor).
Ah, now that’s more like it! There’s a gift I could get on board with, as obviously could @mrpeterwood – “Loving my #twanta2011 present. My Twanta obviously knows me well” he purrs. Yes, purrs. Sometimes you get fed up of just using “says”.
@julietims sent two sparkly pics – “Twanta present. I’m going in. (lots of glitter, by the way) – Thank you very much to #twanta for my lovely present! (There is glitter everywhere!)” I’ve got a great idea for a use for that glitter…. oh, my conscience advises me not to put that idea into words. I’ll play it safe and obey.
Look, there’s a quiz in this one! Click on the pic to see a bigger version, and see whether you can answer the riddles therein posed. This, from @superblouse – “This is my ace #twanta2011 present. The black Bic biro is the KING of the pen world” The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace where hydrogen is built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.
Now, under the principle that you can only read so much at once, I’m going to have an intermission here. Part 2 of the Twanta2011 blog, featuring the rest of your stuff, will appear as soon as I’ve typed it (and definitely before #SUNDAYPICS re-appears in February). Watch this space.