Monthly Archives: December 2012

“Amnesia” (or possibly “Fog”) extract

Here’s another extract from the first draft of the new book. I’ve censored it slightly to avoid spoilers. Hope you enjoy this, and find it enticing enough to want to readmore. Remember, it IS a first draft, and forgive any errors.
“Her hair was bedraggled, and her face was smeared with dirt. Her mouth was gagged with a cloth, tied behind her head. She looked exhausted. Her wrists were bound behind her, but evenso the two minions gripped her arms tightly. I took this as a sign that she’d been putting up a fight. That’s my girl.
Motoko had noticed my barely audible gasp. She laid a hand on my arm and applied a slight pressure. Stay calm. Remain silent.
“I have a hankering,” said the leader, sweetly, “To take a closer look at what we have here. Hold her still.”
He reached forward and fingered the zip of his captive’s hoodie. He looked her directly in the eyes, then drew his fingers down slowly, revealing her T shirt. She breathed heavily, either through fear or anger, her breasts pushing against the white material.
The leader smirked as he inserted a forefinger into the neck of the T-shirt and pulled it out towards him. He peered down inside, then turned to his cohorts.
“Nice,” he said, “Want a look, chaps?” The two with him nodded eagerly.
“I suggest that you remain quite still, my dear, lest my knife slip,” he continued, in an almost chatty tone of voice. He introduced his knife blade alongside the finger that tautened the neck of the captive’s shirt, and drew the keen edge down slightly. A small tear appeared in the material.
I readied myself to leap forward and throttle the life out of the bugger. Motoko squeezed my arm. Not yet.
I looked at Motoko, my eyes pleading. She silently gestured with her hands as if baring her breasts, then pointed to her eyes and at the leader. Wait until he is thoroughly preoccupied.
Motoko then indicated herself, held two fingers up and drew a finger across her throat. I will take out the two guards. She then pointed at me and indicated the sap in my pocket. You attack the leader and try to knock him out until I have dealt with the guards.
Motoko drew a short pipe from her belt, and found a feathered dart from a pocket. She inserted the dart into the pipe and raised it to her lips in readiness. The bound woman shook her head from slowly from side to side as the leader pulled the sharp edge of his blade through her shirt, removing the frail protection and revealing her cleavage. The two halves of her shirt fell aside, displaying her generous breasts, supported by a white bra.
I touched Motoko’s arm. Now, please! She shook her head firmly. Wait!
The two minions stared hungrily at the soft curves of the woman’s skin; her breasts rising and falling as she breathed rapidly, thrust outwards by her bound arms.
The cold knife edge wandered gently across her bare stomach, almost caressingly, and the tip played around her navel before wandering upwards. The sharp edge crept underneath the front of her bra, then with a sharp twist, sliced it in two. The material fell away from her breasts, revealing them completely. One of theminions sniggered.
The leader laid the flat of his cold steel blade against the helpless woman’s right breast, and ran his fingertips across her left nipple. It stiffened from the attention. I squeezed Motoko’s arm, hard. Come on, Motoko!
Motoko made a chopping motion with her hand. WAIT!
The knife edge trailed down between the woman’s breasts, leaving a faint red line and drawing a drop of blood which trickled slowly down to her belly. The knife continued its inexorable progress towards the waistband of her jeans.
Motoko held up three fingers and, full of anger now, I prepared to launch myself at the bastards. She lowered one finger, then another. Three, two, one… NOW!

#NUDDYTEDDY (and snake and cushion and Bagpuss and Hulk….)

Well now, you delightful people. Thanks every one of you brave souls that took part, and congratulations to those who joined me in completing your #NUDDY hat trick. I don’t know about you, but I get a great feeling after stepping outside my comfort zone like this, coupled with pride that I did it. Hope you felt good afterwards too. You should.

I’m starting with my own photo, as we did on the day pour encouragez les autres. Be honest, you thought my Bagpuss was bigger than that, didn’t you?

@wombat37

 

 

@_inno

 

 

Actual brilliance from @_Inno here. I want to know if Lego guy gets his genitalia from Snap-On Tools Ltd.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@alexbrightsmith

 

 

 

I love this woman. She needs to practice her make-up application technique though. Tis @alexbrightsmith, author extraordinaire, and what the wiggins is she doing to poor Sweep?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@bathcat

 

 

 

Oh @bathcat, sweet Donny siren,lying on the kitchen floor with a cold bum. I hope the postman didn’t peer in at the window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@bottyb

 

Another Twitter crushe now, and the subject of the perverted fantasies of hundreds of Tweeters*, it’s that @BottyB with an ever-so-sexy hip-curve.

 

*oh alright, me

 

 

 

@captain_doodle

 

 

Is that a Catbus you’re holding,or are you just pleased to see me? In his spare time, @captain_doodle likes to wash his catbus. I hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@ceee_j

 

@ceee_j must be upset that his is way smaller than mine. Photo, I mean, obv. WTF is that pink thing?

 

 

@davidtims

 

 

Oh noes! The poor teddy is shocked by @davidtims and his warm proclivities. Also, the poor teddy must have a singed bottom.

 

 

 

 

 

@dawbes-@metaltax

 

The dissolution of a wastrel life takes its toll on @metaltax,who was found in this positionon a rug that I sat on only a week before. I’ll bet he gets pregnant now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

@effieoffie

 

 

It’s Mr. @effieoffie, modelling the latest in #NUDDY footwear. Greater love hath no man than to allow his missus to stand him out in the garden in the nip with a toy… what IS that? Dragon?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@effieoffie2

 

 

Another from @effieoffie here, who expects us to believe that it is of an anonymous friend. Lookit, it’s Porngu!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@FannyIngAbout

 

Now this IS a dragon.The cuddly toy, I mean, obviously. Nice curves, @FannyIngAbout.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@gemmajoobjoob

 

 

Aw lookit, @gemmajoobjoob looking pregnantly gorgeous. What’s the owl looking at, eh?

 

 

@gemmajoobjoob2

 

And a bonus! It’s Mr. @gemmajoobjoob and his roaring green penis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

@grumpy_mel

 

 

Nice appliance, @grumpy_mel.It’s got a big aperture.

 

 

 

 

 

 

@heidivodka

 

 

Oh, @heidivodka, Twitter’s Sweetheart, she whose knees send a man’s heart a-quiver. Nice owl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@joblake1

 

 

This is a lovely one from @joblake1. I just want to reach out and…. sorry, did I say that out loud? A plea – show us more tattoo! I want to know what it is.

 

 

 

 

@KingOfAnkh

 

@KingOfAnkh with Pooh coming out of his arse. #obviouscaptionsRus

 

 

 

 

@KyotoWolf

 

 

 

Another Bagpuss. Tis one looks rather more startled than my own Baguss. I imagine that’s because @KyotoWolf has more with which to startle him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@MrsAshborosCat

 

 

Nice nips! Oh wait, they’re eyes. This is my lovelyWarren Peace cheerleader @MrsAshborosCat of course. That’s a thought – I wonder if she owns a cheerleader’s outfit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@nyncompoop

 

We all love @nyncompoop with her infectious smile and her snuggly teddy and her remarkable singing voice when pissed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

@quantumtree

 

 

Oh I say!You don’t get many of them to the pound. Nice boobs, @quantumtree. What? What else am I supposed to say? I’m trying desperately to avoid straying into dirty old git territory here…

 

 

 

 

 

 

@rachamuffin

 

It’s that delightful @rachamuffin, she of the come-to-bed eyes, in a pic taken (apparently) a year or two ago for a calendar. Remember that calendar I made available (briefly) on Redbubble?That was quality, that was.

 

 

 

 

 

@richlieu_uk

 

Raggedy Ted investigates our voyeuristic camera as @richlieu_uk takes a pic specifically designed to inflame @MrsAshborosCat’s lust. Nice bottom, sir.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@rogerablackwell

 

@rogerablackwell’s pic may well be ‘shopped, but it’s hilarious. Probably due to both expressions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@SamuraiCicero

 

 

A tiny Hulk is just enough for @SamuraiCicero, international hairy man of mystery.

 

 

 

 

 

@sciencewitch

 

 

You should all recognise @sciencewitch’s arse by now,from the theme page for this, erm, theme. It’s a nice arse, although I imagine by now that she’s regretting using superglue to keep teddy in place.

 

 

 

@sjnewton

 

 

This is like a Pre-raphaelite painting: just look at the artistic curve of the left foot, and the typically PRB hair.Fine work, @sjnewton.

 

 

 

 

@tilbo_tweets

 

 

@Tilbo_Tweets and his Amazing Exploding Head. Can’t remember the name of that creature, but it looks rather alarmed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Already people are discussing a fourth part of the #NUDDY trilogy (sic). If it does happen (it will), it will take place in the warm months, and the gentlemen at least will be glad of that,as will @bathcat’s bum. I’m thinking #NUDDYKITCHENUTENSIL at the moment….

Huge thanks, everybody. You’re all stars.

Pie Butties

Step 2 of the recipeWhenever I mention that I’m having a pie butty, Twitter (well, some of it) responds with an almighty WTF? I thought it about time that these poor lost souls were introduced to an epicurean delight. I give you, The Pie Butty Recipe.

Ingredients: Pie of your choice, bread of your choice.

1. Butter bread of your choice.

2. Squish pie of your choice onto bread of your choice.

3. Add condiments (optional).

4. Fold bread of your choice over pie of your choice.

This simple recipe can give rise to a huge variety of meals. For instance, you could use a big crusty cob instead of sliced bread, in which case Step 1 becomes ‘Hollow out bread of your choice’ and Step 4 is now ‘Stuff pie of your choice into hollowed out loaf’.

A meal fit for a JimCheese pie, steak pie, chicken pie, balti pie – the world of pies is your playground. And you needn’t stop there. Pie subgroups, such as the pasty family and the pudding genus can offer the connoisseur even greater variety. If you feel particularly daring, you might even hazard a.. we might as well put it out there… sausage roll IN a roll.  I am an aficionado of the meat and tater pie, laid gently on a nest of granary bread, and drizzled with salt and vinegar. It’s the food of champions.

Since I became official spokesman for the Pie Butty Board, other splendid (though slightly less traditional) butties have been brought to my attention, including the Curry Butty, the Quiche Butty, and the legendary Pot Noodle Butty.

Though I may occasionally stray into these exotic sarnie realms, however, I shall remain stalwartly a Meat & Tater Granary man. How about you?

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