Monthly Archives: January 2013
You can read Part One HERE. Now, on with the shenanigans.
A candle kit kicks off Part Two, as well it might. Recipient @hinnyhlw, for it is she, tells us “My twantador really hit the nail on the head. What a great first year! Can’t wait to play.” All the nice girls…. oh wait, better not revisit that old rugby song.
I have the envy at @hugeshark’s pressie. I lurve discovering new musics.”Fabulous music for from the beautiful @sciencewitch! Thank you so much!” says V.
Aaaaaah, puzzles! I hate it when they beat me, hate it, yet I have to keep trying. I do hope that @iainlj isn’t that way, cos he says “I still haven’t been able to do it!” Aaaaaah!
It’s Jim! Jim and a thing! His thing is (peers closely) a Melting Snowman. Wait a minute, couldn’t @jimthesg have just popped outside and built one of those?
Ah, now heres’ @julieanon’s two gifts. “Two?” you say, “WTF?” Yes, two. When it looked as though Julie’s original twantador was going to miss the final deadline, a fairy stepped in to help.Her original twanta then popped up at the last minute like Sooty from behind a counter. Lucky old Julie says “Both very much appreciated and I am becoming addicted to the hand cream.”
Ah now this is beautiful, and obviously sent by someone with exquisite taste. Obviously from a woman – can you imagine a man sending this? Pas moi. @kaPOWed says “Thank you #twanta2012 ! Love my pressie!”
An inflatable monkey! I do hope that the valve that you had to blow was not anywhere embarrassing. @lahossner breathlessly gasps “Thank you! How well you know me! I’ve just passed Go!”
This is really pretty and hand-made in Brighton. The gift, I mean, not the recipient. Not that @leontia2001 isn’t gorgeous, I’m sure. I mean *I* would, wouldn’t you? Stop digging, Wombie, and let the lady herself speak. “I must have been a very good girl to get this”. Really? Shame
It’s that @lilianlouvaine, chirruping merrily “Look what I got from #Twanta2012! A kitty, some owl & pussycat magnets, a lipstick pen & a ring tree! Thanks Twanta!” I think this one was a hit.
And now here’s the most beautiful woman taking part this year, although I may be biased. Yes it’s @little_mavis, who says “Aaand my beautiful & amazingly well disguised by exceptional bubble wrap packaging #twanta present. Thank you twanta.” Interesting labelling there…
The lovely @littlebit_bod received somwe smashing egg-cosies that I envy greatly. “Dear Twanta,” she says, “Thank you for my lovely gift. A proper & warm breakie had before Grammie’s B’day walk xx”.
*bites tongue so as not to say anything that might be misconstrued* I’ll leave it to @louicidal, who says “Here’s my excellent & very well-chosen Twanta pressie!”
Here are @louisehector’s three gifts – Where’s Wally, After Eights, and a bored @Thomas_Cat. He must have been fun to wrap up.
“My #Twanta12 present.” says @luciemr, getting the hashtag wrong. “Perfect for my tired tootsies after a hard day at work. Thank you @twanta2012 xx”. Look, you can touch the socks. How sensual.
All I can read on this is “8 tiddly penguins”. I assume, therefore, that they are toy birds that do a wee-wee. Strange gift. “Yay!” says @luggermatt, “Thankyou #TWANTA they will be much enjoyed!”
It’s time for @macjude to show us her little furry bundle of goodness. Yes, that was a double-entendre, since when did you know me to miss an opportunity? She says “Loved my #twanta gift, for the kitten’s first Christmas. Here it is, and here he is.”
It’s @mannymunkeh squealing there “DUDES!!!!! Awesome #twanta2012 pressies”. What’s a “stress banana”, Manny? Is it a sex thing?
This is daft, and therefore perfect for #twanta. Drumstick pencils! @mattcochr says “Thank you, #Twanta *goes off to find all the saucepans*”.
These are lovely. I do like to have wood myself. @mrpeterwood’s opinion? “My #Twanta2012 gift. Should take me until 2013 to figure the puzzles out though.” So he’ll have done them now then.
“Pic of my gorgeous Great British Bake Off notebooks. Thank you sooo much” says @mrsactive. I know nothing of this, and so anything I said would be redundant.
*honky tonk piano music* @mrsashboroscat sashays in wearing feathers and balloons. “Hey @twanta2012 I’m over the moon with my gift! I’ll get it framed before Sunday. I got sweets too. THANK YOU!!” Boo-boo-pi-doo.
@nomdetwume is making words – I’ve just realised; you can probably play a game on your fridge with this. “Inspired #twanta2012 all the way from the Netherlands. Thank you! And thanks to @Wombat37 for organising xx” she says.
I have no idea what this is, but I suspect booze cos @NoYOUcockoff says “My #twanta did a bastarding find job. Look. “
Sexpot @nyncompoop says “My secret Santa. Choc and Lego, it’s almost like they know me! And I love the knitted covers! SKILL! Thank you @twanta2012! And yes the booze has started.” Choclit & booze? Shocking.
Below is a table of the receivers and givers in this post, mainly for those who are looking on a phone and can’t hover over the pics.
List of Twantas in Part two
Twantee – sent by Twanta
@hinnyhlw sent by
@lahossner sent by @leontia2001 sent by @mrpeterwood sent by
@hols1983 sent by
@hugeshark sent by
@hunyock sent by
@IainLJ sent by
@JimTheSG sent by
@julieanon sent by
@littlebit_bod & @kimnmilward
@kaPOWed sent by
@lilianlouvaine sent by
@little_mavis sent by
@littlebit_bod sent by
@louicidal sent by
@louisehector sent by
@luciemr sent by
@luggermatt sent by
@macJude sent by
@mannymunkeh sent by
@matcochr sent by
@mrsactive sent by
@MrsAshborosCat sent by
@nomdetwume sent by
@NoYOUcockoff sent by
@nyncompoop sent by
@och23 sent by
@lahossner sent by
@leontia2001 sent by
@mrpeterwood sent by
The proofreaders for the latest draft of the new book have given me some vital and insightful feedback so far. There are quite a few changes I need to make for the final edit, including one book-wide biggie. The cover design is coming along nicely, too. That being the case, it is looking like the release date for Fog will be in about two weeks. Let’s say Valentine’s Day, shall we?
To whet your appetite, here are some comments on the story from the proofreaders themselves:
“I LOVE IT.”
“A joy to read. A rattling good yarn.”
“One of the best endings to a book I have ever read.”
“Wow! That was a pretty damned amazing ride!”
Imagine the scene. A few days after New Year’s Day, a fortnight after #TWANTA2012, and a depressed Wombat surveys the cold harsh world outside and the months of grey misery ahead. Then, knockety knock at the tradesman’s entrance at Wombat Towers. It is Pop-it-in Pete, the Perverted Postman, and he wants to give me a package. I turn him down, not for the first time, and he gives me a large envelope instead. Inside was this (over on the right there), a calendar featuring startlingly good photographs of a number of Twantadors.
It was put together by the remarkable @teddy_red (phwoar) and @captain_doodle (phwo… oh wait, belay that). It is as lovely as winter starlight, and I was moved to tears. No, really, I was, proper ones. It certainly kicked the skanky, bony arse of my mood and left me with a huge grin for the rest of the day.
Here are the monthly pics – note how beautifully Doodle has colour matched them to the various months. The calendar also has some rather special days highlighted, along with the more usual cack like Christmas Day and May Day. I’ve noted these in red beneath each pic so that you can add them to your calendar too.
Oh, and don’t feel aggrieved if you didn’t hear from Teddy & Dood (new detective series, starting in the summer, on Dave) about this. They did not have access to my master list of Twantadors, and therefore had to glean what they could about who was taking part just from what appeared in their timelines. Feel free to send me a pic of yourself on a mug or a Kindle or something instead.
Special Dates: 3rd Fruitcake Toss Day, 21st Squirrel Appreciation Day, 27th Chocolate Cake Day.
What could be finer than a January with five women? Just look at Aven’s mask – blimey, it’s amaze. Lilian, where were you walking? It is a beautiful placid scene. I’m flattered that Louise got all wet for me (fnarr), DB seems to have noticed what I’m brandishing in my left hand, and @hunyock is trying to hypnotise me all the way from Iowa. Yes, woman, hypnotise with an ‘s’, so ner.
Special Dates: 2nd Groundhog Day, 3rd Day The Music Died, 7th Scottish Caravan Day, 8th National Doodle Day.
And so to February. That duck has a Julie stuck to its bum, Aaron is our first horny feller; there’ll be another along later, ladies. David is smouldering to the camera like a man in a cardigan catalogue. And Jamie has his manly pinny on – look closely, for it bears a picture of a tower of wombats.
Special Dates: 12th Bury v Scunthorpe, 18th Return of The Mack.
March marches on. Not sure what Doodle meant by the thing on the 18th. It might be a yoof thang, I suppose. Lulu as ever is melting me with her eyes, Aud is… what the hell is she doing? Oh wait maybe that’s a water pistol and not a vibrator. That makes more sense. Who’s that hoodie? Ah, tis CJ, man of mystery and hoods. And, oh Fiona! I’d kill for that smile.
Special Dates: 1st Wacky Fun Day, 3rd Doris Day Day, 17th First Twix Eaten 1967
April is yellow, cos daffs and eggs and stuff I assume. Kyle is all scary, with the hairy eyeball and the Breaking Bad stare, Gareth is sitting on something that makes him happy, and Cara is… don’t think I can’t see that you have written ‘Big Boobs’ on your hat, young lady. And look at Nom’s hat! A perfect dominatrix hat is that. Yes, it is. No, you’re stupid.
Special Dates: 4th Star Wars Day, 12th Bob Carolgees Birthday, 18th Eurovision Song Contest, 20th International Innuendo Day.
|Mark always did have excellent taste in titfers. V always had an amazing smile and patchwork hair, and Rich…. well, you can see. He’s still one of my favourite authors, mind.|
Special Dates: 3rd Ian KitKat invented the KitKat, 5th Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 26th Vegetable Detonation Day.
Another favourite author, that Alex, but those earrings are way too dangly, girl. Lola and Em, or Little and Large, with their gorgeous smiles and green hue sit atop two of the most becoming women on Twitter, Nicola and Alex. Wouldn’t mind doing that myself, but Uncle Matthew might object. And what can I say about the 2001 version of Leontia? She is woman.
Special Dates: 1st Indiana Jones Birthday, 10th Today’s The Day The Teddy Bears Have Their Picnic, 19th Ice Age Ends.
Amazing 3D effect there, Sam, and you look SO much like your avatar innit? It’s like you’re right there, sitting on my keyboard. Typing this crap with your bottom. And Laura’s another one trying to hypnotise me, look. “Look into my eyes,” she says, “Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going ‘Oh, oh, oh, ooh’. Three, two, one… You’re back in the room.” Ah, Helen, surprised am I not that you wear your superhero mask, lest all the baddies that read this learn your identity and steal the Cape of Grapes from you. Last, but never least, Old Sexylegs flaunts her sensuality for me yet again. I love you, Dawbes.
Special Dates: 6th St. Geoff’s Day, 17th National Tractor Pulling Championships.
August is a hot month, as you can see. My Wordfeud arch-nemesisisisisss whoa there! Sorry, couldn’t get off that word for a moment. Anyway, the Sutton Coldfield Sizzler shows the knowing smile that she uses when she’s found a seven-letter word with a Z in it. ButMad (whose name I know but she looks like she wants to maintain secrecy) is, I imagine, naked from the waist down. I love my imagination. Irene, you lovely fringe-flaunter, that smile could start cars. Oh, and Ju-ju-j-jude: nice jugs.
Special Dates: 7th Cheese discovered, 19th Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Oi, Dawbes! Stop hogging my calendar! Oh look, Alex is also making a re-appearance, this time after a Pea Soup Incident. Poor Little Nell is most amused at Alex’s besouped physog. Actually, maybe she’s impressed and thinking of hitting the soup herself. Rachel, as usual, appears to have her hand up some poor creature’s jacksie – possibly Rich’s, since he looks way happier than usual in his pic. Also Australian. Hanna, looking like a Pre-Raphaelite beauty, is obviously full of mischief. Little devil Lou and she would make an unstoppable team, I reckon, cutting a swathe across America, shagging Brad Pitt and driving into canyons.
Special Dates: 13th No Bra Day, 26th Wombat Day, 30th #TWANTA2013 Official Opening, 31st Ooooh It’s Halloween.
Everyone pictured for October has to observe the 13th, you realise. It’s the law. Erica (flibbertigibbet of this parish), Julie (juggler extraordinaire), Maria (nesh yet always warm-hearted), Jenjen (orgasm on the grass), Andrea (love of my life in a parallel universe), and Rosie (knead my dough baby) – mark it on your own calendar now.
Special Dates: 5th Fireworks Go Bang Now Day, 9th Enough Of The Fireworks Already Sheesh, 11th Not Much Happening Day, 22nd Christmas Sprout Boiling Begins.
Remember, remember, Iain’s all horny, Olivia’s lass is all greeny and much bender than Olivia herself (I imagine – don’t hit me please), Widget’s in a wibbly wobbly world of her own, and my lovely Dawne is always lovely Dawne.
Special Dates: 16th The Middle Of December.
Ruth’s obviously half-inched a tea cosy from Primark. I think she’s doing her Yoga Lion face. Mark isn’t. He’s doing his ‘Working Out What Colour Your Underwear Is From The State Of Your Walking Stick’ face. Neil’s the baddie in a Tarentino movie, and ‘Mand is – well, one of the finest people I’ve ever met, and a juicy sexpot to boot.
Thank you, each and every one. You’ve made an old man very happy xxx
Before I start with your photos, have a BIG Thank You from me for making this year’s Twanta a wonderful one. There were none of last year’s shenanigans; just a few stumbles that fate threw at us. I only had to call on a couple of Twanta Fairies this year, but my eternal gratitude goes to all who offered. Even if you weren’t . If anyone tries to tell you that Twitter is rubbish these days and people aren’t as nice as they used to be, point them to Twanta for proof that it bloody well isn’t and they bloody well are. Oh, and thank you SO much for the Twantador Calendar, about which I’ll post a separate blog after this.
Here we go then. As usual, hover your cursor over the pic to see who sent the gift. If you’d rather not find out, hover ye not. There is a list at the bottom for those without Hoverability, or looking on the phone. Click the pic for a larger image. Be also aware that some contributors have decided that they’d rather remain secret forever.
First up, purely because I stored the pictures in alphabetical order. is a pocket wine book sent to @2you2me2you. I must admit I’ve never tried pocket wine, but it sounds like it would have a dusty palate, with backtones of fluff.
@37ellie says “My fab, handmade #twanta2012 gifts. Love it! (Also, the doll has ice skates – very cool!)”. I can confirm that Ellie was VERY pleased with her pressies, which were beautifully made. Check out the sender, and buy stuff from them!
Some sort of sex device here sent to @alexbrightsmith, or I’m no judge of…. what? HEAD massager? Are you sure? Cos you could totally put your….OK.Oh well, I stand corrected then. Alex says “It seems I may have been giving the impression that I was just a teeny bit stressed!”
Aw, I love this one. Dangly owls for the win. I believe that @alezed has long been a fan of things that dangle, so this would have been most welcome indeed.
“I opened my secret Santa to a wonderful atmospheric picture” says @alicestronaut. I agree with her assessment: tis luvverly indeed.
I don’t need to say anything about @alliterative’s present, cos he says it all. *does Canadian accent* “Thank you, secret Twantador, for my #twanta2012 present! I hadn’t heard of Michael Fish before but my FIL told me the hurricane story.And I’m really enjoying the Vimto too. Always wanted to try them.” You should try the squash, too! Nice hot.
You’ll probably need click on @andromedababe’s photo, as it’s quite hard to make out the detail. Tis a Christmas Quiz Kit with lots of bits and pens – I want one!
I have no need to reveal the sender of @ariadnes_web’s bun*, for she already knows that it was @ScullyScully. Maybe it’s not a bun, but a cunningly disguised something else, but what would I know, being a simple wombat?
*let’s not start the bun/cupcake argument again, eh?
Jewellery time! Here’s @avensarah to tell us about it: “I must show off the really beautiful gift I got from my #Twanta! Thank you so much!” Much joya!
“Ooh arrr, ooh arr!” Oh wait. That’s @azzathefarmer isn’t it? Hang on a second. <ahem> “Ha harrr, me briny buckoes!” says @azzathepirate. Probably. “My #twanta2012 knows me better than she thinks! Thank you @teddy_red”. Oh, see, he knows who his is from. That sounds wrong. He knows from whom his is. Nope. Last try. He knows from whom is his gift. Psychic pirate.
Bacardi! Is that some king of alcohol? How naughty. @belmsie says “Thank you #TWANTA2012. Especially love the poem”. You’ll probably want to click to see the bigger picture, wherein will be revealed a poem about dear old Father Christmas getting ratarsed.
@bexagin’s #TWANTA2012 gifts. Apparently there were some candies too, but those got eaten according to Bex. I’ve only just realised that she said ‘candies’ rather than ‘candles’. I was about to comment on odd transatlantic tastes.
Here lie some Gruffalo thingies and a notebook, I think, which were described by the recipient @breadesign as “very appropriate”. I’m sure there’s some sort of joke I( could make about that, but since I’ve never read it, I’m lost.
Here’s @butmadnnw who prefers not to know who sent her gifts. I do believe there’s a clue in one of the pics though
The originator of Twanta, that @captain_doodle feller, seems to have been sent a big old brick. I’m saying nowt except that Lego is entirely appropriate for his mental age.
The gorgeous @cara_erin (I think that’s her on the right) says “My fabulous #TWANTA2012 gifts. Thank you to @hugeshark for the presents”. Oh, she knows who her Twanta was. In that case there’s absolutely no need for you to hover over the pics, now is there?
More cat referencing now (well, it is the internet) as @cornettofairy gets stuck intyo her sweeties, mumblingh as she chews “TWANTAAAAAAAA! Thank you xxx It fires sweets into my face at high speed & the cat chases the ones that I aim badly. Excellent work.”
Oooh, look at the decorated box in this one! @davidtims says it “Brought a smile to my face even as I was unwrapping it, an experience in itself. I will be scrawling all over it when I get back.” Yeah, the jammy bugger’s in Sri Lanka at the moment, the big sybarite.
A mighty collection of goodies! @dbrereton says “My #twanta2012 gifts…a mini Christmas day all on its own. Sadly the fudge is long gone.” I hope he ate it rather than…. let’s not go there.
Jewels, precious! That elegant wrist belongs to @doodledawne who purrs “Thank you so much, it’s beautiful and I haven’t taken it off all day. Say hello and claim your thanks x”
The bitch is back – the nice one, obv. “Opened my #twanta2012 gift,” says @dutch_bitch, “Thank you! @Rachamuffin! Merry Christmas.” Heh, nearly typed ‘dutch_butch’ then. That would have been just wrong.
AWWWWWWWW! So cute! Here’s @em_and_lola saying “My #twanta2012 present modelled by the lovely Lola, thank you very much @hunyock”
Sweeties! Perfect for @ericafairs, who yips “Thank you! Whoever thought this through got a big RIGHT! Brilliant! Yummy!” Bit excited there, dear.
“Oh I’m going to post my #TWANTA2012!”” screams @eversnanajules, “Thank you so much I’m so happy with my gift. Thank you twanta – perfect for my cooking mad self; notecards with recipe Book and chocolates.” Actually, she probably didn’t scream.
A Latch Hook Kit! Wow! What’s a Latch Hook Kit? @flylilypad murmurs, like a gentle stream, “My genius #twanta2012 – a craft I’ve never tried!! Perfect (& hard to find!) Thank you mystery twantador!”
This is nice. @gemmajoobjoob thinks so too – “Absolutely made up with my Twanta gift! Although my cats have taken an unhealthy interest too!”
This is extremely lovely, and look – it says #Twanta on it! It was received by @greythorne, who displays it here on her tree.
More trees – pretty trees, too, received by @hallmork. I’ll bet they look good a-dangling from whatever she dangled them from.
And there I’ll leave it for Part One. There will be another two parts covering the rest of the Twantadors just as soon as I can get around to writing them. See you later, alligators.
List of Twantas in Part One
Twantee – sent by Twanta
@2you2me2you sent by @leontia2001
@37ellie sent by @warnhopepark
@alexbrightsmith sent by @shysarah2009
@alezed sent by @JimTheSG
@alicestronaut sent by @andromedababe
@alliterative sent by @nyncompoop
@ariadnes_web sent by @scullyscully
@avensarah sent by @waywardlou
@azzathepirate sent by @teddy_red
@belmsie sent by @louicidal
@bexagin sent by @avensarah
@breadesign sent by @greythorne
@captain_doodle sent by @littlebit_bod
@cara_erin sent by @hugeshark
@chickenprincess sent by @starlitwolf
@cornettofairy sent by @tonihill79
@davidtims sent by @hallmork
@doodledawne sent by @smp1972
@dutch_bitch sent by @rachamuffin
@em_and_lola sent by @hunyock
@ericafairs sent by @Yorkshire_Rosie
@eversnanajules sent by @cara_erin
@flylilypad sent by @hinnyhlw
@gemmajoobjoob sent by @flylilypad
@greythorne sent by @secretstef
@hallmork sent by @mrsactive
Yes, I’ve finally settled on ‘Fog’ as the title of the new book, coming full circle back to my original title for the initial short story. It feels right, in that it reflects both physical and mental fog.
After illness and a family crisis slammed a huge brake on my writing, I’ve finally finished the first draft, and to my amazement the ending went a completely different way to what I’d had planned. The story flatly refused to follow my outline plan and completely took over, dragging itself in a completely different direction with me trailing helplessly in its wake. I’ve occasionally had characters surprise me by what they say, but never a whole plotline suddenly veer off like that. Weird feeling, but I do love the unplanned ending that it gave me, so I’m keeping it that way.
I also had to resist strongly including something that could have added an extra hundred or so pages, while at the same time undoing the careful balance in the structure of the book. You’ll know what I mean by that when you see the book yourself. Maybe I’ll just hint at it.
So, I’ll take a week or so to tweak & correct obvious cock-ups and grammatical errors, then ask a couple of volunteers to proof-read it while I get the cover sorted out. I’m hoping it will be out before the end of January, and in all formats this time – paperback, Kindle AND ePub.
Oh, the picture accompanying this post? Yes, it is relevant, but only in a small way. See if you can work out which game it’s a screencap of.