Twanta2012 Calendar–thank you, Twantadors
Imagine the scene. A few days after New Year’s Day, a fortnight after #TWANTA2012, and a depressed Wombat surveys the cold harsh world outside and the months of grey misery ahead. Then, knockety knock at the tradesman’s entrance at Wombat Towers. It is Pop-it-in Pete, the Perverted Postman, and he wants to give me a package. I turn him down, not for the first time, and he gives me a large envelope instead. Inside was this (over on the right there), a calendar featuring startlingly good photographs of a number of Twantadors.
It was put together by the remarkable @teddy_red (phwoar) and @captain_doodle (phwo… oh wait, belay that). It is as lovely as winter starlight, and I was moved to tears. No, really, I was, proper ones. It certainly kicked the skanky, bony arse of my mood and left me with a huge grin for the rest of the day.
Here are the monthly pics – note how beautifully Doodle has colour matched them to the various months. The calendar also has some rather special days highlighted, along with the more usual cack like Christmas Day and May Day. I’ve noted these in red beneath each pic so that you can add them to your calendar too.
Oh, and don’t feel aggrieved if you didn’t hear from Teddy & Dood (new detective series, starting in the summer, on Dave) about this. They did not have access to my master list of Twantadors, and therefore had to glean what they could about who was taking part just from what appeared in their timelines. Feel free to send me a pic of yourself on a mug or a Kindle or something instead.
Special Dates: 3rd Fruitcake Toss Day, 21st Squirrel Appreciation Day, 27th Chocolate Cake Day.
What could be finer than a January with five women? Just look at Aven’s mask – blimey, it’s amaze. Lilian, where were you walking? It is a beautiful placid scene. I’m flattered that Louise got all wet for me (fnarr), DB seems to have noticed what I’m brandishing in my left hand, and @hunyock is trying to hypnotise me all the way from Iowa. Yes, woman, hypnotise with an ‘s’, so ner.
Special Dates: 2nd Groundhog Day, 3rd Day The Music Died, 7th Scottish Caravan Day, 8th National Doodle Day.
And so to February. That duck has a Julie stuck to its bum, Aaron is our first horny feller; there’ll be another along later, ladies. David is smouldering to the camera like a man in a cardigan catalogue. And Jamie has his manly pinny on – look closely, for it bears a picture of a tower of wombats.
Special Dates: 12th Bury v Scunthorpe, 18th Return of The Mack.
March marches on. Not sure what Doodle meant by the thing on the 18th. It might be a yoof thang, I suppose. Lulu as ever is melting me with her eyes, Aud is… what the hell is she doing? Oh wait maybe that’s a water pistol and not a vibrator. That makes more sense. Who’s that hoodie? Ah, tis CJ, man of mystery and hoods. And, oh Fiona! I’d kill for that smile.
Special Dates: 1st Wacky Fun Day, 3rd Doris Day Day, 17th First Twix Eaten 1967
April is yellow, cos daffs and eggs and stuff I assume. Kyle is all scary, with the hairy eyeball and the Breaking Bad stare, Gareth is sitting on something that makes him happy, and Cara is… don’t think I can’t see that you have written ‘Big Boobs’ on your hat, young lady. And look at Nom’s hat! A perfect dominatrix hat is that. Yes, it is. No, you’re stupid.
Special Dates: 4th Star Wars Day, 12th Bob Carolgees Birthday, 18th Eurovision Song Contest, 20th International Innuendo Day.
|Mark always did have excellent taste in titfers. V always had an amazing smile and patchwork hair, and Rich…. well, you can see. He’s still one of my favourite authors, mind.|
Special Dates: 3rd Ian KitKat invented the KitKat, 5th Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 26th Vegetable Detonation Day.
Another favourite author, that Alex, but those earrings are way too dangly, girl. Lola and Em, or Little and Large, with their gorgeous smiles and green hue sit atop two of the most becoming women on Twitter, Nicola and Alex. Wouldn’t mind doing that myself, but Uncle Matthew might object. And what can I say about the 2001 version of Leontia? She is woman.
Special Dates: 1st Indiana Jones Birthday, 10th Today’s The Day The Teddy Bears Have Their Picnic, 19th Ice Age Ends.
Amazing 3D effect there, Sam, and you look SO much like your avatar innit? It’s like you’re right there, sitting on my keyboard. Typing this crap with your bottom. And Laura’s another one trying to hypnotise me, look. “Look into my eyes,” she says, “Look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going ‘Oh, oh, oh, ooh’. Three, two, one… You’re back in the room.” Ah, Helen, surprised am I not that you wear your superhero mask, lest all the baddies that read this learn your identity and steal the Cape of Grapes from you. Last, but never least, Old Sexylegs flaunts her sensuality for me yet again. I love you, Dawbes.
Special Dates: 6th St. Geoff’s Day, 17th National Tractor Pulling Championships.
August is a hot month, as you can see. My Wordfeud arch-nemesisisisisss whoa there! Sorry, couldn’t get off that word for a moment. Anyway, the Sutton Coldfield Sizzler shows the knowing smile that she uses when she’s found a seven-letter word with a Z in it. ButMad (whose name I know but she looks like she wants to maintain secrecy) is, I imagine, naked from the waist down. I love my imagination. Irene, you lovely fringe-flaunter, that smile could start cars. Oh, and Ju-ju-j-jude: nice jugs.
Special Dates: 7th Cheese discovered, 19th Talk Like A Pirate Day.
Oi, Dawbes! Stop hogging my calendar! Oh look, Alex is also making a re-appearance, this time after a Pea Soup Incident. Poor Little Nell is most amused at Alex’s besouped physog. Actually, maybe she’s impressed and thinking of hitting the soup herself. Rachel, as usual, appears to have her hand up some poor creature’s jacksie – possibly Rich’s, since he looks way happier than usual in his pic. Also Australian. Hanna, looking like a Pre-Raphaelite beauty, is obviously full of mischief. Little devil Lou and she would make an unstoppable team, I reckon, cutting a swathe across America, shagging Brad Pitt and driving into canyons.
Special Dates: 13th No Bra Day, 26th Wombat Day, 30th #TWANTA2013 Official Opening, 31st Ooooh It’s Halloween.
Everyone pictured for October has to observe the 13th, you realise. It’s the law. Erica (flibbertigibbet of this parish), Julie (juggler extraordinaire), Maria (nesh yet always warm-hearted), Jenjen (orgasm on the grass), Andrea (love of my life in a parallel universe), and Rosie (knead my dough baby) – mark it on your own calendar now.
Special Dates: 5th Fireworks Go Bang Now Day, 9th Enough Of The Fireworks Already Sheesh, 11th Not Much Happening Day, 22nd Christmas Sprout Boiling Begins.
Remember, remember, Iain’s all horny, Olivia’s lass is all greeny and much bender than Olivia herself (I imagine – don’t hit me please), Widget’s in a wibbly wobbly world of her own, and my lovely Dawne is always lovely Dawne.
Special Dates: 16th The Middle Of December.
Ruth’s obviously half-inched a tea cosy from Primark. I think she’s doing her Yoga Lion face. Mark isn’t. He’s doing his ‘Working Out What Colour Your Underwear Is From The State Of Your Walking Stick’ face. Neil’s the baddie in a Tarentino movie, and ‘Mand is – well, one of the finest people I’ve ever met, and a juicy sexpot to boot.
Thank you, each and every one. You’ve made an old man very happy xxx