Twanta 2013, Part Four of Four
That lively @mrsactive is up first, singing “Thank you very much to my Twantador for my fun gifts – breakfast will be much more fun.” Fun breakfasts courtesy of the drop-dead gorgeous @och23, there.
@nomdetwume claims “#TWANTA2013 photographic magnetic schadenfreude with my lovely gift from @fluffy1st”. I wonder if you could make a filthy rude dirty dirty sentence?
“So thoughtful and right for me right down to the ear plugs. Can’t wait to try the hot choc and the curry! The Christmas tree badge LIGHTS UP and has made three or four outings upon my being including one on my nieces. She’s 7, so anything shiny is the height of awesome.” I think @noyoucockoff is pleased. Well sent, @avensarah.
Free sticker, ha! “Loving my book,” laughs* @nyncompoop, “Farthinghoe – a carefree little laugh after breaking wind in Pilates.” The Liff books are splendid – well done @louisehector for sending this one.
*actually she probably didn’t laugh at all while typing that.
Ginger beer, OOOOH! It seems as if @phantom_blonde concurs with my reasoned assessment, for she says “My #twanta pressie is brilliant. Thank you! #suchfun.” Nice hashtaggery, there. @mrpeterwood got it spot on with this gift.
“Thank you so much to my Twanta for the lovely #Twanta2013,” meddai’r hyfryd @poorlittlenell, “It was full of chocolate coins. They’re all gone now, and who’s in the #Twanta2013 case now? It’s the Baby Jesus! I’ve also been using it for my jewellery and necessaries.” Nid yw’r rhai geiniogau siocled yn hir. A beth yw’ch ‘angenrheidiau’? Hefyd, aw. Edrychwch ar y bach Baby Jeez! Mae’r presennol hyfryd yn dod o @davidtims.
Had one of my Welsh episodes, then, sorry it is I am. Who’s up next? Ah, it’s @pricklyemu “WHOOOO! Thank you for all the awesome #TWANTA2013 gifts from my lovely #twantador @PariahSickKid71 you’re luffly!” she says, a little incoherently. She may be drunk on Reese’s Pieces, as I have oft been myself.
Racha! Racha! Muffin muffin muffin! Yes it’s her, @rachamuffin herself, beautiful of eye and succulent with it*. “My lovely #twanta2013 present! Sorry it’s taken a while, it’s not been empty for long enough to photograph.” Nice choice with the ‘Nerdosaurus’, @hols1983.
*sorry, these little precis get a bit difficult to vary when you’ve done about ninety already and your mind is all spinny.
Now, I know that @spiffykates received a gift, because I have this pic – but I can’t find a photo of the contents anywhere in Twanta’s Sack. In which case, all I can say is, erm, nice use of red pen, @sarahhanner.
Ah, here’s better, isn’t it? Why, @sundayhandbag, this is beautiful, do you not agree? “ My lovely #TWANTA13 gift is pretty; a beautifully hand-covered-in-silk notebook.” I absolutely agree. Your benefactor with the superlative taste was @waysidehealer, whom, coincidentally, I wouldn’t mind hand covering in silk. Sorry, how completely inappropriate. I’ll be risking my spotless reputation at this rate.
Hey, @superblouse, what a lovely collection you got, eh? “We played guess the chocolate flavour on NYE. Thanks.” Peach looks dead pleased, too. Great work, @hugeshark.
Interesting selection there, @whostolemyzen– who sent them? “I just realized my #Twanta2013 gift didn’t have a name. I don’t know who to thank for my goodies.” Luckily, I do – tis that smasher @luciemr.
Here’s another Twantador whose arse I’ve seen – it’s the lovely @witchofscience, and shush, she’s talking – “Thank you for my #twanta2013 gift. Sorry for being late.” That’s OK, Giz, we don’t mind, because you showed us it eventually Your Twanta this year was one of Twitter’s finest, @owlbird.
Pics were not posted by @mswaichingliu81, who was sent something wonderful by the wonderful @nyncompoop, or by @starlitwolf whose Twanta was @butmadnnw.
A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, on a remote island far far away* in an exotic land called Delaware, there lived a right bobby dazzler called @PariahSickKid71. Kid was as excited as could be, for this Christmas would bring a special gift from someone unknown. A Twanta gift. Perhaps even a Twanta gift from a Princess of the distant realm of Gallus Gallus Domesticus. But Christmas came, and went, and the postman continued to shake his weary, snow-covered head. Twanta was there none. Kid was sad, and spoke to those assembled thus:
I feel guilty n depressed and like I’m stupid cos I still haven’t gotten a twanta gift. Like I’m a big giant loser. Like it’s all my fault for living on a stupid island that only has mainland post office with one human in it. Called said human. Still no package. I must be the failure for this year’s twanta. Well next year I’ll still do it and send one out. But I will ask if I can be skipped on getting one. Cos I’m kinda tired of getting my feelings hurt. I’m tired of waiting on people and things. I’m just very tired of being failed and being a failure. I wish I could tell the person that I’m sorry they got me. I think I’ll take a few days off here. I’m not doing well with anxiety.
With a sorrowful tear, Kid disappeared from the world, and could not be found. The Spirit of Christmas was sad, and everything was grey, and filled with a deafening silence where there should have been resounding tinkles and laughter and colour and light. The Spirit of Christmas beckoned to his friend with benefits, The Good Fairy Twanta, who sat down and had a Big Think before writing a message across the night sky all spattered with stars. And her Twanta Fairy brother and sisters saw the message, and began to do what Fairies do best. No, not that.
Two days later, Kid suddenly popped up out of nowhere, exclaiming “Just got overwhelmed. These came with a merry Christmas card yesterday. Right when I needed it. :)” Even though Kid’s smiley dace had no nose, there was obvious joy in the words. The Twanta Fairies had begun to work their magicks.
Some days later, Kid almost sang “Thank you my Twanta Fairy for the flowers. The lilies were mostly closed when they arrived, but now they are open and fresh looking.” As Kid was speaking these words, there was a translucent sparkle in the air and… POOF! A second gift appeared. “I got flowers last week from a Twanta Fairy and now this!” squeaked an excited Kid. “It has a beautiful card with lip gloss and tea!!! I love tea! This card is going next to my happy jar and the beads are going on it.” And Kid smiled with happy.
But the Twanta Fairies weren’t finished yet. Over the next few days more gifts arrived. First came the original gift that had gone missing – “This one came with a USPS apology in a small plastic bag as the original packaging was utterly destroyed. I think it may be my long lost twanta gift. Thanks muchly hope it wasn’t missing too much. I love my new flower hat. Because FLOWER.” And Kid put on the flower hat from @chickenprincess and danced.
Next came a collection of remarkable notebooks. “Thank you so much,” said Kid, “This is so very useful. I’m always needing notebooks.” The very first note in the very first notebook was about the happiness that the Fairies had brought.
Finally came one package to rule them all. Kid opened it and almost fainted. “Definitely not least denizen of the package universe is this one…thank you so so much. So many pretty girly things and CANDY !”
Over the course of the next few weeks, Kid tongued out the cream egg, and was traditionally disappointed by the plastic tat in the Kinder Egg, and generally had a rollicking time and lived happily ever after.
The moral of this tale, of course, is plain for everyone to see: that the darkest hour is just before the Twanta Fairies appear and show you that wonderful, caring people still exist in this tawdry old world of ours. And that, my children, is worth a fucking mint.
*only far far away from me, obviously.It might be quite close to you.
Giant thanks to everybody who took part in #TWANTA2013 – it was one of the best ever. In the words of @davidtims this whole experience has added a sparkle to our Christmas at time it was most needed, and it has restored (or perhaps reenergised) my faith in human nature.
Especial thanks to all my Twanta Fairies, whether called on or not, who with their kind hearts ensured that no-one felt left out – @2you2me2you, @ananizapta, @bilbobaggins2k, @bywordandstitch, @cornettofairy, @gemmajoobjoob, @hols1983,
See you next year.