#TWANTA14 – and so it begins…
Jingly balls, jingly balls, jingly all the way. It’s time for #TWANTA14 to shove a tree up a fairy’s frock and display his shiny balls for the fifth time. For the uninitiated, it was all @captain_doodle’s idea. Those taking part in #TWANTA send a cheap but fun gift to someone that I nominate, possibly a complete stranger, and they receive a similar pressie from someone else. TWitter secret sANTA, see? As usual I’ll link you to the blog post from @davidtims five years ago which sums up the feeling of Twanta.
FOR NOW, JUST TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO TAKE PART. You can also make any special requests, such as the avoidance of individuals who might be mortal enemies, or perhaps you do not want to send anything abroad. I am a benign Santa, and will accept all reasonable requests. Here’s a reminder of how it all works.
You must have specifically asked me, and I must have confirmed that you’re taking part before you can join in. I reserve the right to reject anyone that I suspect of being dodgy. This is an attempt to avoid the slight wobble that happened a couple of years ago for two of our lovely twantadors. See below for a glossary of terms.
Make sure you follow @twanta2014. He (it’s me really, but don’t tell the little tweeters. Let’s not spoil the magic, eh?) will follow you back. DM your address to him so that he can pass it on to your own Secret Twanta. I do remember some of your addresses from last year, but obviously I deleted all the addresses of those who asked me so to do. If the Twitter Unfollow Bug has caused @twanta2014 to unfollow you, let me know so that I can correct that.
Tell me if there’s anyone taking part that you don’t want to be paired with. I don’t want to be responsible for any “INCIDENTS”.
Once I have everyone’s address, I’ll DM you to let you know for whom you are buying a gift (grammar), together with their address. You might want to spend a little while researching their timeline to find out a little bit about them. Yes, that’s a bit stalkery, but you’ll be able to make your gift a bit more personalised that way.
Buy a pressie for your twantee (as the recipients have somehow come to be known) and send it to them. Mark the envelope #TWANTA so they know what it is. Let @twanta2014 know that you’ve posted it (so I can keep track in case anything goes missing). It’s entirely up to you whether to remain anonymous or to expose yourself.
Do NOT buy hugely expensive pressies (unless you’re buying for me, obv). Small, fun and imaginative is the rule of thumb, but don’t send an actual thumb. That would be hideous. I recommend spending no more than a tenner, though that of course is up to you. The photographs accompanying this post are of some previous gifts, should you need inspiration.
When you receive your #TWANTA pressie, again let @twanta2014 know. Challenge yourself to wait until Christmas Eve or Day to open the thing. Harness your willpower, grasshopper.
When your willpower fails, take a photo of your gift ready to post on Christmas Day or Boxing Day (that’s the day after, US peeps). Include the hashtag #TWANTA14 so that I can collect all pics posted. I will (eventually) post a glorious blog celebrating how wonderful you lot are, and revealing (unless you tell me otherwise) who sent you your gift.
If it all goes tits up, remember that it was originally all the idea of that @captain_doodle, and castigate him mercilessly.
Having trouble separating your twanta from your twantee? Completed your trifecta yet? Got no bloody idea what I’m talking about? Then this section will save you from social embarrassment akin to leaving the Ladies with your skirt tucked into the back of your knickers.
TWANTA – this word has two meanings. Firstly it is the all-encompassing name for the whole cosy event itself, although usually with the relevant year attached to its tail. Secondly, the Twanta is the person sending a gift. It is the Twanta’s own choice whether or not to remain secret.
TWANTEE – the person receiving said gift, with a smile and a song.
TWANTADOR – general term for anyone taking part.
TRIFECTA – the magic three milestones achieved by a Twantador who has (1) sent a gift, (2) learned that it has arrived, and (3) received their own.
TWUMBUG – a dirty rapscallion who fails to send a gift as promised (see last year).
TWATMONGER – see TWUMBUG.
FAIRY – a good-hearted TWANTADOR who volunteers to step in and provide a gift at short notice for anyone who falls victim to a TWUMBUG.
TWANTAVERSE – every bloody thing to do with Twanta. Constantly expanding.
EPISTLETOE – a hand-written letter included with the gift (see above) to add a virtual Christmas kiss and a personal touch. Not to be confused with Camel Toe, which is something entirely different.