Category Archives: Kiddiewinks
Recently I was asked to write to a class of five-year-old children. Here’s the story I included.
One day, Wee Wombat’s mummy took him for a walk outside their lovely dark, smelly burrow. After a delicious breakfast of grass, she kissed him on the head and pointed to the field that surrounded the dark hole that was their home.
“It’s time you learned how to mark which part of the meadow belongs to us,” said Mombat, “so that rabbits, sheep and other wombats don’t eat all our dinner before we can.”
“Yes Mum!” said Wee Wombat, eagerly. “Which bit does belong to us?”
“All the grass between the old log and that rock shaped like a dingo,” she smiled. “You have to mark it so that everyone knows this bit of grass is ours.”
“I could scratch the log with our names!” said Wee Wombat.
“But you couldn’t scratch the rock, it’s too hard,” Mombat said.
“Oh,” said Wee Wombat. “I know! I could dig a trench by the rock to keep other animals out! I’m brilliant at digging!”
“But we want your friends Kylie Kangaroo and Wally Wallaby to be able to visit, don’t we?” Mombat pointed out.
“Oh,” said Wee Wombat. “Then what shall we do?”
“What shall we do? We’ll do a poo,” said Mombat.
“Do a poo? Ew!” said Wee Wombat.
“The smell will tell everyone that we live here, and this is our grass,” said Mombat. “Go on, try it now, on the old log.”
Wee Wombat was a bit nervous, but he was a good Wee Wombat and did as he was told. He lifted his wee wombat bum and did a wee wombat poo on the old log. One poo, two poo, three poo, four poo. But the wind blew and his poo rolled off the log.
“Oo, my poo blew, what shall we do?” he asked.
“What shall we do? We’ll do a square poo,” said Mombat.
“Do a square poo? Ew! And ow!” said Wee Wombat.
“Don’t worry, Wee Wombat, It won’t hurt,” said Mombat, “Try it now, on the old log.”
Wee Wombat was still a bit nervous, but he was a good Wee Wombat and did as he was told. He lifted his wee wombat bum, concentrated hard, and did a wee wombat square poo on the old log. One poo, two poo, three poo, four poo. The wind blew … and his poo stayed where it was!
“Well done, Wee Wombat!” said Mombat. “Now everyone will know that this grass belongs to Mombat and her Wee Wombat.
This will be a LONG post. My call for #SUNDAYPICS submissions of photos of Tweeters as kids brought a huge response – be prepared for over 80 tiny tweetlets posing, smiling, and wearing some of the most horrendous outfits known to man. Given there are so many, I’ll comment on three at a time to save wasting paper. Well, screen then. I’ll stick them up in the order they arrived in my Timeline, and some tweeps have more than one. So ner. OK, over to you, History –
Look at that gorgeous cutiepie on the left. That’s @snowgirl1972’s Mum, and she’s cuddling a tiny Helen. And the first in a long line of, erm, “interesting” cardies is modelled by our very own @thatlauraknox. Interesting hair, and a Pear’s Soap look give away the fact that @andromedababe is on the right.
Another @snowgirl1972, this time totally trashing the paintwork on a trendy VW. She did tell me which was her, but it’s been over a week so I can’t bloody remember. She’s not the bloke, I can tell you that. Next, c’est moi! Why do I look Oriental in the middle pic? For yes, it is I, @wombat37 – my God look at all that hair. Groovy tie, though. Over on the right @MediumEmma enjoys a lovely sunny English day. With the obligatory windbreak.
@white76 sent bunches of pics, so I obviously chose one where she’s naked. In the middle, another gloriously sunny day at the seaside for @wombat37 and Dad. Look at me lovely spade. Another fashion disaster follows – lovely jumper.shirt combo from @iamamro.
More @white76 photos – REALLY like that one on the left. Can’t tell which is Shona in the class photo, but the teacher has an abnormally tall head, and yes, that’s Shona Flintstone on the right. Yabba, as they say, Dabba Doo.
How bossy does @hazelblackberry look on the left? No change there then. In the centre, @lucypalmer appears delighted to be doing a seated hokey-cokey. I’m slightly disturbed by the can of Kattomeat next to her. Hope that wasn’t standard baby-food in the Palmer household. On the right @smartie999 looks all windswept and triumphant, like she’s just climbed a mountain. Or a chair, perhaps.
Right, the question we all want @janegoth to answer is what on earth is your brother doing there, back in 1977? @chickenpincess welcomes us all to her Wendy House with a heavy looking pan. And @coradevine indulges in typical teen shenanigans in an early, gas-driven photobooth. Smoking fags – tsk tsk.
Perched on what may be a dead hamster, @lizardsimpkins looks poised to burst into laughter, while @cymraescoch rides the wild dog wearing the best hat ever. Urbane as usual, @underbundle bears his own personal fashion disaster with aplomb. Nice jumper Bill.
More @cymraescoch first – I notice the next door neighbours decided to move as soon as Liz arrived. Next, her future paramour @moschops66 gets ready to destroy a sundial. And then we have, awwww, @GoodBoyBen before he realised he’d have to live with me. Good boy, Ben.
Aha! A triumvirate of @captain_doodle and @antiiiiiii pictures. What IS going on with the wallpaper in the middle photo? I really hope The Doodmeister wears his camouflage outfit on our forthcoming tweetup.
I LOVE @little_mavis’s expression in that pic on the left. She’s obviously delighted to have a dod of bread. Another delighted scoffer is @samaryd, who I imagine has by now got spaghetti in her pants. In the photo, I mean, not nowadays (although you never know). The Duke of Gawk there on the right is @alliterative, who has grown into a fine gentleman and one of my bestest friends who I’ve never met.
That’s @alliterative again, with his sister, and then two pics of the love of his life (and mine, given half a chance) @avensarah, first with her mum (or do they say ‘mom’ in Canada?), and then as the youngest of five female generations of her family. Five! Crikey. When I was born all of mine were dead save me Nan, and she fell off the perch when I was five.
Aw! Look at the charming little @82junglist – don’t you just want to tousle his innocent hair? @OldMotherRiley next, sitting proudly atop an old car at what might well be a junk yard. What a gorgeous smile, eh? Then, just about to be nicked by a blurry rozzer, @ironthighs and cohort plot to undermine the seat of power. Or eat sweeties instead.
Ooh look, bird in a bikini! Sorry, I mean @liam54 – how much mischief does HE look capable of? That’s him again on the horsey ridey thingy. Continuing the horsey ridey thingy theme, we have @quackwriter who is probably listening to Pick of the Pops on that old tranny.
Three early photos of the Sugarbabes now – @kirtle, @jaxbourne and @toffeegirluk. Coincidentally, they also appear to be foreshadowing three of their future hits – “Die, Dolly, Die”, “Pink Rules” and the Christmas Number One “I Can’t Hear You Cos I’ve Got Burgers Or Something On My Ears”.
I really want to know what @xkylet is laughing about in the middle there – surely he’s not amused by @ameadey’s one-piece blue number? He’d be more amused to glance the other way – WTF were @smallcasserole’s parents thinking? I mean – knitted? I dread to think what would happen in the event of the dreaded non-directional explosive poo.
More @ameadey, and at least she’s out of that blue thing. Sadly though: dungarees. In the centre, @looshine not only has a doggy skirt, but also a very handsome doggy chum. And what can I say about @shelley279’s photograph that she won’t hit me for in a few days? Nothing. Certainly there’s nothing at all wrong with THAT haircut. No sir. Very pretty indeed.
Three @flossietp photographs there – in the first she’s giving her Dad a damn good kicking in the stomach, then pretending that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, and THEN – what is she dressed as? My best guess – some sort of alien ice cream confection. Nice car, mind.
A couple of @mrmisterman photos – getting a nice brown present from Father Christmas in a Seventies Top Of The Pops studio, and trying on Dad’s (or, Heaven forfend, Mum’s) shoes on the worst carpet in Christendom. Finally, about to be locked in the Naughty Locker is @sen0rb0ng0 – naughty boy.
Three cute little babies – nice hair on @FBishWife, @dustmotes might be blowing smoke, or perhaps it’s the photo, and @jofilm is incredible happy and blonde and apparently hugely tall. Or the photographer was lying down.
The ever-lovely @cornettofairy on the left, looking a bit like she’s just balanced a pail of water atop the classroom door. Sledgemeister @jenksy in the middle on the left, if you see what I mean. And the mighty @julietims, Mistress of us all, on the right. Nice school frock.
@heidivodka yells with fun, or yawns, and by the look of that settee, they had cats. I’m thinking @davidtims and @julietims didn’t really roar off to a life of adventure on the bike, cos look – there they are on the right. I recognise that school frock…
What terribly nice hair, @thom_white – I can see why @snowgirl1972, in her strange blue cardie, fell for your devilish new romantic looks. Over on the right, @darahpez prompts a lovely smile from her protector.
After you’ve done about seventy of these photos, your mind turns into grey blep, and your efforts at humour are as amusing as Hitler with a headache. Please forgive me if I run out of steam on this final stretch. What have we got here? A couple of @lucyhg pics, in one of which she appears to be wearing a bra cup. Also, @jackpot73, looking a bit worried about what that camera might be going to do.
Ah, Rory. Look how neat and tidy your school tie looks in your first picture. But, Mr @hardyduncan, WTF happened by the time the middle photo was taken. Was your hair MEANT to look like that? Is that @edinburghjo with you? And if not, why not? On the right is one of my favourites – I just love the attitude, the outfit, the location and the daffs. Easter outfit, was it @hebbie? Brilliant photo! First prize.
Two photos of @mikeybaer now. In the first he’s wondering what’s going on with the unrealistic camel, and in the second he’s perched on an even more unrealistic camel. With a happy lion. Continuing the drab cardie theme of this post, @intruth displays a fetching little number in brown.
A couple of delightful pictures here from @ontheupbeat – in fact, so delightful, than I shall try to refrain from sarcasm. Nice frocks. On the right – why so miserable, little @janegoth? You have got a new pink panther dangling from your neck. You should be doing that funny walk to that funny music.
A couple of late entries sneaking in from @janegoth – the first with a very lifelike ventriloquist’s dummy, and the second lobbing some bricks about.By Grabthar’s Hammer it’s the last photo, thank heavens! I know that one of these people is @louwiseman, but I’ve lost the note I made telling me which. So she’ll either have to tell me and I’ll alter this later, or we can just assume that they are ALL her.
I’m off for a lie down.