Category Archives: Twitter

Code Red

PhotoFunia-1594639067Dorothy eased her needle through the thick material and sighed deeply. Court gowns again. Why did the agents always want court gowns? Surely they could go as peasants occasionally? And what did they do in the past to so often destroy her beautiful creations? It was depressing to see something she had spent hours creating brought back in tatters. She looked up as the door hissed open.

“Hey, Dorothy.”

“Agent Wilson.” This one wasn’t so bad, and at least seemed to appreciate the effort involved in Dorothy’s work.

“Call me Alexa, please. Dorothy, I need a fourteenth century kirtle, suitable for court. I’m sorry, but it’s a rush job. Something big’s happening along the timelines and there’s a Code Red. Anyway, I thought blue, studded with pearls and—”

“Where’s the hamerock?”

“What?”

“That beaded Viking dress. You’ve not returned it yet. It took me ages to make.”

“Ah, yes, that. Sorry. That sort of got burnt.”

“Of course it did.” Dorothy sighed. “What happened this time?”

“Oh, you know. Erik Bloodaxe. Pillaging, raping … burning women’s clothes.”

Dorothy sighed again. Why were agents incapable of looking after their garments? They managed to look after their time-gauntlets, after all; why couldn’t they treat their costumes with the same care? She’d never heard of a time-gauntlet being destroyed, and they were flimsy things, not unlike fingerless gloves. Yet they always survived, while over half of Dorothy’s exquisitely-crafted outfits either were so damaged as to be unusable or never came back at all. She looked Agent Wilson in the eye. “Which half?” she said.

“What?”

“Which half of the fourteenth century?”

“Oh. Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters. In the year thirteen-hundred, clothes were straightforward, simple and practical. Three decades later it all changed, with different sleeve-cuts, more figure-hugging shapes, and ridiculously pointed shoes. I thought time agents were supposed to know about history? I thought that was the point?”

“We don’t sweat the boring stuff. We—”

The door hissed open again, to reveal a furious man with a bristling beard. He was wearing the shredded remains of a red and yellow silk kimono. “Dorothy, Code Red! You fucked up!” he spat.

“Excuse me, Agent Rehnman,” said Agent Wilson. “I was here first.”

The man ignored her, glaring at Dorothy. “They attacked me! Wealthy, refined chonin in eighteen-seventeen attacked me!”

“Eighteen-seventeen? You told me eighteen-seventy,” Dorothy said.

“Same thing,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“The fuck it is! Before the eighteen-sixties, sumptuary laws restricted the kind of fabrics and colours chonin could wear. Especially bright reds! No wonder they set about you. Why don’t you time agents know these things?”

“Look, I wasn’t there to peacock about like a fashion—”

The door hissed again, and three agents strode into the ever-more crowded Wardrobe Department. Agents Gebreel, D’Hulster and Karezman, all engrossed with their time-gauntlets, spoke at once.

“Code Red! This could be the big one! I need an outfit for third-century Cornwall, now!”

“Timequake, Dorothy – Code Red! I desperately need a nineteenth-century crinoline.”

“Fit me out with a fifteenth-century codpiece, large, as quick as you can. Code Red, woman!”

Dorothy put down her sewing. She stood up, fists clenched. She glared at the time agents, and bellowed at them.

“Third-century Cornwall? Does it look like I have time to dye wool? And I made four crinolines last week. You can wait till one of them gets back. And you?” She threw a block of wood at Agent Kerezman. “Carve as big a fake cock as you want!”

She reached forward and tore Agent Gebreel’s time-gauntlet from him. She thrust her hand into it, made frantic time/location signature-shapes with her fingers, and disappeared with a soft phut.

“Bollocks,” said Agent Wilson.

“Did you watch her gestures?” said Agent D’Hulster. “When and where did she go?”

“I’m not sure, but … Pleistocene Africa, I think,” said Agent Gebreel.

“Blimey,” said Agent Kerezman. “She was hardly dressed for prehistory, was she? I wonder what they’ll make of her?”

***

The Neanderthal fingered Dorothy’s sleeve. “Ungh?” he said.

“Yes, dear, it’s called a cardigan. I could make one for you if you like?”

Twanta 2019 – a decade of Twitter’s Secret Santa

twanta (2)Pop your chestnuts on an open fire, me hearties, it’s time for #TWANTA2019 to shove another tree up another fairy’s frock and display its shiny balls for the tenth year in succession. For the uninitiated, those taking part in Twanta send a cheap but fun Christmas gift to someone that I nominate, possibly a complete stranger, and in return they receive a similar pressie from someone else. Those who send the gifts can choose to remain anonymous, hence “TWANTA” – TWitter secret sANTA, see? As usual I’ll link you here to the blog post from @davidtims which beautifully sums up the spirit of Twanta.

FOR NOW, JUST TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO TAKE PART so that I can add you to the Twantathonix19 master computer here at Twanta Towers.

I’ll give people a few weeks to join, and shortly after that (probably around the end of October) you’ll receive the name of your Twantee. Old hands of Twanta will know all the following already, but for any newcomers here’s a summary of how the whole thing works. Terms and conditions apply. Steep hills may go down as well as up.


SharkStar You must have specifically asked @twanta_hohoho (or @wombat37, the puppetmaster) to take part, and I must have confirmed that you’re accepted before you can join in. I reserve the right to reject anyone that I suspect of being dodgy – this is due to a slight wobble in the past when some git refused to actually send a present once they’d received theirs. If you are unknown to me, you can still join in and be welcomed enthusiastically, but I may ask you to post a selfie of yourself raising your right hand and swearing fealty to the Twanta Code.

Star Make sure you follow @twanta_hohoho on Twitter. He will follow you back (it’s me really, but don’t tell the little tweeters. Let’s not spoil the magic, eh?). DM your address to him so that he can pass it on to your own Secret Twanta when everyone is linked up. I do remember some of your addresses from last year, but once #Twanta2019 is over I will delete the addresses of those who ask.

GinStar Tell me if there are any mortal enemies that you don’t want to be linked with. We don’t want to be responsible for any “incidents”. You can also make other special requests (e.g. if you’re allergic to chocolate, or perhaps you don’t want to post anything to a different country). We are a benign Twanta, and will accept all reasonable requests.

Star Very occasionally things go awry, and when that happens Twanta Fairies step in to send a gift at short notice. Please, therefore, also let us know if you would be happy to be a volunteer Fairy, should any be required (though that’s only rarely necessary).

Duck / bookStar Once @twanta_hohoho has everyone’s address, he’ll DM you to let you know to whom (grammar) you should send a gift, together with their address. You might want to spend a little while researching the recipient’s timeline to find out a little bit about them. Yes, that’s a bit stalkery, but you’ll be able to make your gift more personalised that way.

Star Buy a pressie for your twantee (as the recipients have somehow come to be known) and send it to them. Mark the envelope #TWANTA so they know what it is. Let @twanta_hohoho know that you’ve posted it (so I can keep track in case anything goes missing). It’s entirely up to you whether you remain anonymous or expose yourself *snigger*.

Space thingiesStar You should not spend a fortune. Small, fun and imaginative is the rule of thumb, but don’t send an actual thumb. That would be hideous. I recommend spending no more than a tenner, though in the end, of course, it’s up to you. The photographs accompanying this post are of some previous gifts, should you need inspiration.

Star When you receive your own #TWANTA pressie, again let @twanta_hohoho know. Challenge yourself to wait until Christmas Eve or Day to open the thing. Harness your willpower, young warrior.

Star When your willpower fails, take a photo of your gift ready to post to Twitter on Christmas Day. Post it then including the hashtag #TWANTA2019, so that we can all follow the fun, and I’ll reveal each person’s gift-giver, unless specifically asked not to.

Don’t worry – I know this seems a lot, but I’ll hold all your hands throughout. Have fun, and, if it all goes tits up, remember that it was originally all the idea of that @captain_doodle, and have a go at him. Not me, oh no, leave me alone.

PhotoFunia-1538557494Twantionary – a Twanta glossary

New to Twanta this year? Having trouble separating your twanta from your twantee? Completed your trifecta yet? Got no bloody idea what I’m talking about? Then this section will save you from social embarrassment akin to leaving the public loos with your skirt tucked into the back of your knickers. As actually happened to me once, but that’s a tale for another time.

Star TWANTA – this word has two meanings. Firstly it is the all-encompassing name for the whole cosy event itself, although usually with the relevant year attached to its arse (eg #TWANTA2019). Secondly, the Twanta is the person sending a gift. It is the Twanta’s own choice whether or not to remain secret.

Star TWANTEE – the person receiving said gift, with a smile and a song and possibly other things beginning with ‘S’.

Star TWANTADOR – general term for anyone taking part, bless their little cotton reindeer socks.

Star TRIFECTA – the magic three milestones achieved by a TWANTADOR who has (1) sent a gift, (2) learned that it has arrived, and (3) received their own.

Star TWUMBUG – a dirty rapscallion who fails to send a gift as promised. Also known as a twat.

Star FAIRY – a good-hearted TWANTADOR who volunteers to step in and provide a gift at short notice for anyone who falls victim to a TWUMBUG.

Star TWANTAVERSE – every bloody thing to do with Twanta. Constantly expanding.

Star EPISTLETOE – a hand-written letter included with the gift to add a virtual Christmas kiss and a personal touch. Not to be confused with camel toe, which is something entirely different.

Wombat’s Overcomplicated Pie Cricket Rules

#PIECRICKET

Basically #SausageLeague with pies, but with an added twist, #PieCricket runs on Twitter on Fridays, between the end of one #SausageLeague season and the start of the next. It’s based on pie-guessery, and here’s all you need to know in order to WIN WIN WIN! Yes, there’s a prize this year – the Pie Cricket champion will win one of my pocketbooks.

imageI’ll take a photo of the pies on display at my local takeaway. All you have to do is predict two numbers – the total number of pies on display, and how many of those will be upside-down (known in pie circles as a “whoopsie-daisy”).

image You score points depending on how close you are to the total pie number: 5 minus the difference.

image If you’re spot-on with the total, you get a bonus point. If you ALSO guess correctly the number of whoopsie-daisies, you get another bonus point.

image But wait, there’s more! Correctly guessing the number of whoopsie-daisies allows you to take an opponent’s wicket, regardless of whether you got the TOTAL prediction right.

image You start with 3 wickets. If they drop to zero, you’ll score no points at all the following week UNLESS you hit a spot-on with the total. The following week your wickets will bob back up to 3.

Twantas Revealed

PhotoFunia-1540831011For those who still don’t know, here is a full list of this year’s Twantadors and their gift-givers.


This twantador
was sent a gift by
@_polyhymnia @secretstef
@alliterative @flylilypad
@anise44 @helibobs84
@approvedproduct @louisehector
@avensarah @jaxtipsyknits
@azzathepirate @cherries109
@babalooblue @lemurlotte
@basdriver @sundayhandbag
@becmajor @basdriver
@bilbobaggins2k @chrisridd
@blossomxcat @davidtims
@bywordandstitch @joraamn
@captain_doodle @lockiebaws
@cara_erin @superkrispydj
@carly_whyborn @leontia2001
@cdlcreative @kirstywarner
@cherina82 @zipperdidoodah
@cherries109 @captain_doodle
@chrisgn @alliterative
@chrisridd @missmastery
@ClaireWithAn_I @confusedlinnet
@confusedlinnet @magentakoru
@craftsboy @dbrereton
@crazyladywriter @owlbird
@cumbrianblondie @carly_whyborn
@davidtims @ninjaworrier
@dawn1968 @fannyingabout
@dbrereton @_polyhymnia
@dutch_bitch @theweeyin15
@emma_esl @taffy3rock
@evermoreanon @lovelockou
@f41rygirl @blossomxcat
@fannyingabout @jayalay
@fantasticpru @LolInKent
@fisher1946 @babalooblue
@flylilypad @crazyladywriter
@gemmajoobjoob @cara_erin
@ginlington @NicolaCubes
@greythorne @purplequeennl
@helibobs84 @greythorne
@hugeshark @cumbrianblondie
@iainlj @kizletwiggle
@jaxtipsyknits @sharonmcg1971
@jayalay @squeakysays
@joraamn @hugeshark
@katobell @starlitwolf
@kaylou_4 @gemmajoobjoob
@kirstyhalton @katobell
@kirstywarner @mrsashboroscat
@kizletwiggle @f41rygirl
@kjhighsocks @iainlj
@ladyjuliejools @sarahhanner
@lemurlotte @craftsboy
@leontia2001 @chrisgn
@lgh95 @nikki_sinc
@Lisey_loo @rachamuffin
@lockiebaws @approvedproduct
@LolInKent @vspearson85
@lottacraft @becmajor
@louisehector @lgh95
@lovelockou @sarahtregear
@LucieMR @sparkleytwinkle
@LydiaMNicola @miladycheryl
@magentakoru @maggie_dolores
@maggie_dolores @mrssimontemplar
@mallrat_uk @LydiaMNicola
@manctoby @LucieMR
@michigander58 @avensarah
@miladycheryl @patellagirl
@misslockstock @ladyjuliejools
@missmastery @sarahv1982
@mrsashboroscat @cdlcreative
@mrssimontemplar @mallrat_uk
@nickatthemill @emma_esl
@NicolaCubes @bilbobaggins2k
@nikki_sincl @sumarumi
@ninjaworrier @anise44
@obibronkenobi @phantom_blonde
@owlbird @saltwateritch
@patellagirl @fisher1946
@phantom_blonde @kirstyhalton
@purplequeennl @ClaireWithAn_I
@rachamuffin @obibronkenobi
@saltwateritch @ginlington
@sarahhanner @misslockstock
@sarahtregear @woodpeckergreen
@sarahv1982 @Lisey_loo
@secretstef @michigander58
@sharonmcg1971 @kaylou_4
@sparkleytwinkle @azzathepirate
@squeakysays @nickatthemill
@starlitwolf @kjhighsocks
@sumarumi @dawn1968
@sundayhandbag @titchfairy
@superkrispydj @bywordandstitch
@taffy3rock @evermoreanon
@theweeyin15 @dutch_bitch
@titchfairy @lottacraft
@vspearson85 @cherina82
@waysidehealer @fantasticpru
@woodpeckergreen @waysidehealer
@zipperdidoodah @manctoby

Twanta 2018

At the risk of being stupidly cheesy I would like to share what Twanta has meant for me this year. So due to various things we are having a very quiet Christmas, my children and I. My family are hundreds of miles away and my ex ‘accidentally’ forgot to send my present from my children so a gift less Christmas was very much a reality. My Twanta gift was a Ray of sunshine. I also loved a soupcon of stalking and hope my twantee loves their gift. Thank you so much for a little light in the darkness.

louisehectorThat’s a a message I received yesterday about this year’s Twanta, shared with permission. It kind of sums up what this annual sharing of pressies between strangers means to me: a feeling of inclusion, and of friendship, and that the world might not be entirely made of cack after all. So (as you young folk are prone to begin your sentences these days), it’s Christmas Eve, and I thought you’d like a little Twanta update. First of all, and bringing a big smile for me, there were no Twumbugs. Every single person who asked to take part this year has posted their gift, and for that you have my sincere thanks. It’s you folk that make Twanta work, not me, with your generosity and fun-filled enthusiasm and astonishing skills with sellotape.

I just wanted to drop you a message to thank you for organising such a wonderful event. Twanta2018 has lifted my soul after a really shitty year. You are the epitome of Christmas Spirit.

ssOther stats leap out of my massive, multicoloured Twanta spreadsheet. On average, gifts sent within the UK took 4 days to reach their destination. Presents sent from one country to another took 8 days. There have been a few snags along the way, of course, such as the courier who couldn’t read the number 7, and someone having to prove to the Post Office that their ‘wacky’ twitter id was actually them. I’m not beyond mistakes, either, giving out the wrong address to one Twantador. Hilarity ensued.

taffy3rockAs I write there are still 12 Twanta gifts ‘in transit’, which is about usual. Some will arrive after Christmas, I’m afraid, but we are subject to the winds and whims of postal services. Others will be simply that the recipient forgot to tell me their gift arrived. Be that as it may,tomorrow is TWANTA REVEAL DAY! I know that you’ll all be busy, but if you could please take the time to take a pic of your Twanta gift and post it to Twitter with the hashtag #TWANTA2018 we can all have a rollicking time admiring each other’s gifts.

Thank you @twanta2018 for another year of festive feel goods. As always, I am both humbled and heart warmed by it all. Roll on Tuesday!

doodleFinally, I really do appreciate all your messages of thanks for this years Twanta. I’m delighted that you all enjoy it every year, but do remember also to direct some gratitude to our inventive captain, @captain_doodle, who thought up this whole thing. There he is on the left, look, peering in my bathroom window again, the big perv.

Pie Cricket Week 1

#PieCricketClick to embiggenIt was a little bit of a shaky start as people got used to the idea of a summer without sausages, but the excitement grew as the day went on, and those who had correctly predicted the number of whoopsie-daisy pies realised how much fun it was to steal opponent’s wickets. #SausageLeague Champion @jayalay was an immediate target, and is already down to one wicket.

Your early front runner is @captain_doodle, who with 8 for 3 got BOTH of his guesses (total and whoopsie-daisies) correct, and therefore takes a maximum 7 points. Hot on his heels are @crowmogh, @moorseyl, @thatnuttyfanboy and @happymouffetard, although this last pair have both lost a wicket.

Controversy simmered when @purplequeennl questioned the referee’s judgement as to the number of pies. This is the sort of thing that we can well do without in #PieCricket, Geoff, and she was lucky to escape receiving the first ever #PieCricket yellow card, and a summary spanking with a well-oiled bat.

With 7 points on offer every week, and the ability to prevent your opponents scoring at all, there’s plenty to play for, and once you all get used to the Pie Standard at Mans 2000, I expect this summer to be really EXPIETING. See what I did there? God I’m funny.

You can find the rules IN THIS POST.

Wombat’s Overcomplicated Pie Cricket Rules

#PIECRICKETBasically #SausageLeague with pies, but with an added twist, #PieCricket runs on Twitter on Fridays, between the end of one #SausageLeague season and the start of the next. The current run of #PieCricket began on 11th May, and the final day will be 27th July. It’s based on pie-guessery, and here’s all you need to know in order to WIN WIN WIN!

imageYou predict two numbers – the total number of pies on display, and how many of those will be upside-down (a “whoopsie-daisy”).

imageYou score points depending on how close you are to the total pie number: 5 minus the difference.

imageIf you’re spot-on with the total, you get a bonus point. If you ALSO guess correctly the number of whoopsie-daisies, you get another bonus point.

imageBut wait, there’s more! Correctly guessing the number of whoopsie-daisies allows you to take an opponent’s wicket, regardless of whether you got the TOTAL prediction right.

imageYou start with 3 wickets. If they drop to zero, you’ll score no points at all the following week UNLESS you get a spot-on with the total, when you’ll get the usual. Then your wickets will bob back up to 3.

YSP Tweetup 2018 – Saturday 21st July

Nah then, sexpots. The Sixth YSP Tweetup will take place on Saturday 21st July 2018 at (colour me surprised) Yorkshire Sculpture Park. Come and meet a fat old wombat and his beautiful consort for art, countryside, sexy rabbits, picnics, shiny balls and sociability. And if that isn’t enough to get your sap rising, you will also be able to meet our SPECIAL GUESTS, all the way over from Canadiadiadia, Aven @avensarah & Mark @alliterative. Woo, and a healthy does of hoo, eh? Here’s a few things you might want to know about #YSPtweetup2018.

2011 pics - click to enlargeSun Where is YSP?

YSP is just off the M1 at junction 38. The best postcode for your satnav is WF4 4JX. The 96 bus comes directly to YSP from Barnsley or Wakefield. Visit wymetro.com for bus timetables. The last bus from YSP to Wakefield is at 4:30pm, and to Barnsley at 5:30pm.

Sun What time are we meeting?

2012 pics - click to enlargeAround 10:30-11 near the main car park, by the entrance to the main building. If it’s chucking it down, you could always pop inside. Some folk won’t arrive till noon, so don’t worry about being on time. Check the map below, and look for a fat, beardy bloke either near the entrance or picnic area.

2013 pics - click to enlargeSun What’s the car parking like?

Admission to YSP (a charity) is free. The parking fees keep the place going. Car Parking is £10 for the day. You can pay online in advance (or up to a week after your visit), or use the machine that takes cards or cash and asks for your car registration number. Motorbikes are free. The car park is HUGE and everyone will fit in.

2014 pics - click to enlarge - I totally photoshopped @realaqua in, cos she took the photoSun What about food, Wombie?

Bring picnic food & drink, for we will PICNIC, BABY! And I want to taste your goodies, obv. Alternatively, there’s both a restaurant and a café. Tap water is always available free.

Sun What if it rains?

We’ll get wet.

Sun Will you sign my boobs?

Damn yes.

2015 pics - click to enlargeSun Sorry, I meant books. If I bring your books, will you sign those?

Oh books. Oh … yeah, OK then, bring them along. If you want to order a signed book that I can bring on the day, DM me.

Sun Is there anything else?

As usual, dogs and kids are more than welcome – it’d be nice to keep up the tradition of kids climbing on that sculpture that no-one’s supposed to climb on. YSP like dogs to be kept on a lead, please, to keep the wandering wildlife safe. Otherwise, the agenda is mostly the having of fun. We usually manage that without much effort. We don’t have to stick together the whole day, of course, but I hope we can at least get a big team photo of the whole company as on previous occasions.

YSP map - click to enlargeSun How about a map of YSP?

Here you go. Click it to see a much larger version.

And CLICK HERE to visit the YSP site – there’s more information there than you could possibly need.

Jingly Balls! Twanta 2017 is GO

IMAG1682Jingly balls, jingly balls, jingly up your tree. It’s time for #TWANTA2017 to shove another tree up another fairy’s frock and display his shiny balls for the eighth time. For the uninitiated, it was all @captain_doodle’s idea. There he is on the right, with some eejit or other. Those taking part in Twanta send a cheap but fun gift to someone that I nominate, possibly a complete stranger, and in return they receive a similar pressie from someone else. TWitter secret sANTA, see? As usual I’ll link you to the blog post from @davidtims from a few years ago which beautifully sums up the spirit of Twanta.

FOR NOW, JUST TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO TAKE PART so that I can add you to the Master Wallchart here at Twanta Towers.

I’ll give people a few weeks to join, and you’ll receive the name of your Twantee shortly after that, around the end of October. Old hands of Twanta will know all the following already, but for any newcomers here’s a summary of how the whole thing works.


One of a previous year's impressive gifts.Star You must have specifically asked me, and I must have confirmed that you’re taking part before you can join in. I reserve the right to reject anyone that I suspect of being dodgy. This is due to a slight wobble that happened several years back for two of our lovely twantadors (see below for a glossary of terms).

Star Make sure you follow @twanta2017 on Twitter. He (it’s me really, but don’t tell the little tweeters. Let’s not spoil the magic, eh?) will follow you back. DM your address to him so that he can pass it on to your own Secret Twanta when everyone is paired up. I do remember some of your addresses from last year, but once #Twanta2017 is over I will always delete the addresses of those who ask. If the Twitter Unfollow Bug causes @twanta2017 to unfollow you, let me know so that I can correct that.

One of last year's impressive gifts.Star Tell me if there are any mortal enemies that you don’t want to be paired with. We don’t want to be responsible for any “incidents”. You can also make other special requests (e.g. if you’re allergic to chocolate, or perhaps you don’t want to post anything to a different country). We are a benign Twanta, and will accept all reasonable requests.

Star Very occasionally things go awry, and when that happens Twanta Fairies step in to send a gift at short notice. Please also let us know if you would be happy to be a volunteer Fairy, should any be required (though that’s only rarely necessary).

One of last year's impressive gifts.Star Once @twanta2017 has everyone’s address, he’ll DM you to let you know to whom you should send a gift (grammar), together with their address. You might want to spend a little while researching their timeline to find out a little bit about them. Yes, that’s a bit stalkery, but you’ll be able to make your gift a bit more personalised that way.

Star Buy a pressie for your twantee (as the recipients have somehow come to be known) and send it to them. Mark the envelope #TWANTA so they know what it is. Let @twanta2017 know that you’ve posted it (so I can keep track in case anything goes missing). It’s entirely up to you whether you remain anonymous or expose yourself *snigger*.

One of last year's impressive gifts.Star You do not need to spend a fortune. Small, fun and imaginative is the rule of thumb, but don’t send an actual thumb. That would be hideous. I recommend spending no more than a tenner, though that of course is up to you. The photographs accompanying this post are of some previous gifts, should you need inspiration.

Star When you receive your #TWANTA pressie, again let @twanta2017 know. Challenge yourself to wait until Christmas Eve or Day to open the thing. Harness your willpower, grasshopper.

Star When your willpower fails, take a photo of your gift ready to post to Twitter on Christmas Day. Post it including the hashtag #TWANTAPIX2017 so that we can all follow the fun, and I can collect the pics on a special Pinterest board. Here’s last year’s board.

Have fun, and, if it all goes tits up, remember that it was originally all the idea of that @captain_doodle, and castigate him mercilessly. Not me, oh no, leave me alone.


Twantionary (glossary)

Having trouble separating your twanta from your twantee? Completed your trifecta yet? Got no bloody idea what I’m talking about? Then this section will save you from social embarrassment akin to leaving the Ladies with your skirt tucked into the back of your knickers.

TWANTA – this word has two meanings. Firstly it is the all-encompassing name for the whole cosy event itself, although usually with the relevant year attached to its arse (eg #TWANTA2017). Secondly, the Twanta is the person sending a gift. It is the Twanta’s own choice whether or not to remain secret.

TWANTEE – the person receiving said gift, with a smile and a song and possibly other things beginning with ‘S’.

TWANTADOR – general term for anyone taking part, bless their little cotton reindeer socks.

TRIFECTA – the magic three milestones achieved by a TWANTADOR who has (1) sent a gift, (2) learned that it has arrived, and (3) received their own.

TWUMBUG – a dirty rapscallion who fails to send a gift as promised.

FAIRY – a good-hearted TWANTADOR who volunteers to step in and provide a gift at short notice for anyone who falls victim to a TWUMBUG.

TWANTAVERSE – every bloody thing to do with Twanta. Constantly expanding.

EPISTLETOE – a hand-written letter included with the gift to add a virtual Christmas kiss and a personal touch. Not to be confused with Camel Toe, which is something entirely different.

YSP Tweetup 2017

IMG_20150620_124703960Nah then, sexpots. The Sixth Annual Wombat Anniversary YSP Tweetup will take place on Saturday 24th June 2017 at (colour me surprised) Yorkshire Sculpture Park. Come and meet a fat old wombat and his beautiful consort for art, countryside, sexy rabbits, picnics, shiny balls and sociability. Here’s a few things to know.

Where is YSP?

YSP is just off the M1 junction 38. The best postcode for your Sat Nav is WF4 4JX. The 96 bus comes directly to YSP from Barnsley and Wakefield. Visit wymetro.com for bus timetables.

"Look, some nature!"What time are we meeting?

Meet between 10 and 10:30 near the main car park, by the entrance to the main building (check the map down below). If it’s chucking it down, you could always pop inside.

What’s the car parking like?

Admission to YSP (a charity) is free. The parking fees keep the place going. Car Parking is £8. You pay by machine that takes cards or cash, and asks for your car registration number (or you can pay online up to a week after). Motorbikes are free. The car park is HUGE and everyone will fit in.

What about food, Wombie?

Bring picnic food & drink, for we will PICNIC BABY! And I want to taste your goodies, obv. Alternatively, there’s both a restaurant and a café. Tap water is always available free.

DoodlesWill you sign my boobs?

Damn yes.

Sorry, I meant books. If I bring your books, will you sign those?

Oh books. Oh … yeah, OK then, bring them along.

Is there anything else?

As usual, dogs and kids are more than welcome – it’d be nice to keep up the tradition of kids climbing on that sculpture that no-one’s supposed to climb on. Otherwise, the agenda is mostly the having of fun! We usually manage that without trying. We don’t have to stick together the whole day, of course, but I hope we can at least get a big team photo of the whole company as on previous occasions.

ysp-annotated22How about a map of YSP?

Here you go. Click it to see a much larger version.

And CLICK HERE to visit the YSP site – there’s more information there than you could possibly need.

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