Category Archives: Ukulele

Ukulele Babes

Lou wears a hatInspired by this pic of Lou & The Llamas now infamous ‘Naked Ukelele” gig, I went looking on the internet for other uke-playing babes. What better way to fill my time between writing books? Here you can enjoy the fruits of my labours.

And fear not, there will be a follow-up ‘Ukulele Dudes’ post, although those are slightly harder to find although rather funnier when you do.



Nice pegs



Here’s a likely lady. She’s hung out her washing to dry in the sun, and now wants nothing more than to don a swimming cossie and warble ‘Princess Poo-Poo-Ly’ with the breeze on her thighs. You’ll see as we go along, it’s a popular thing to display some degree of nakedness while playing a ukulele. I do it myself all the time.










Don't fall!



Yet more thigh-flashing here as a gaggle of nymphettes defy park regulations and perform a bench-borhne version of ‘I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper’. Interesting wrist action from the lady bottom right.









Crystal Tipps



A daring flash of knee is all we get from this smiling lassie, thumb-strumming along to ‘Honolulu Baby’ while shaking her sable coverings. From the smooth reflection and the way that it flows and curves, the uppermost question in my mind has to be ‘Is that made of real silk or is it her actual hair?’














Those of you who know me well will have long been aware that I do like a woman who fills a big trouser, and this buxom foursome certainly tick my boxes, although I doubt I’d be allowed anywhere near theirs. They’re obviously about to launch into ‘It Must Be Jelly Cos Jam Don’t Shake Like That’. Lovely socks.








Horny stylings




A rare early shot of @bossarocker and @imacosmicgirl before they found any boys to play with. I imagine that they are working on an embryonic version of ‘Wonky Face’.








Kick your shoes off, love



Oooh, sexy. Sexy and louche. Yeah baby, nice shoes. Play ‘Chippy Tea’ for me, you beguiling temptress. Of course, if she’s still alive she’ll be well into her nineties by now. There’s a sobering thought.








Is that Alistair McGowan on the right?



Three right happy pluckers here, judging by they’re right hands. What in the name of Satan’s pointy penis are they wearing though? The dress on the right looks like it was ironed by me. Bananarama here will be entertaining you tonight with ‘Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots’ or I’m a Dutchman.












Anyone for ten knees? See what I did there? Ha ha haha! Running through the snow in odd frocks makes for big old smiles despite those head-dress thingies. What song could you play in those temperatures, I wonder? ‘When Hilo Hattie Does The Hilo Hop’, I’ll be bound.






Boy Band



I’m not 100% convinced that these delights of femininity aren’t blokes in drag, actually, but let’s give them the benefit because they’re so well turned out. Now, to keep up with the theme I so cavalierly started earlier, I have to think of a song for these moptops to perform. ‘Donald Where’s Your Troosers?’ obviously.









Hi there



Oh, she’s nice, what with the stockings and the headscarf and that come-hither expression and all. ‘Yes Sir, That’s My Baby!’ … is the song that she would sing, sitting on her front steps there waiting for me to carry her indoors and ravish her. Ahem, sorry, as you were.





Look into my eyes







Blimey, look at her second from left. “Look into my eyes the eyes not around the eyes in the eyes you’re under”. Is probably her favourite chat-up line before launching into a wild abandoned version of ‘Purple Haze’ and setting fire to her ukulele. She’s pretty on the right, mind.



Young Charlie Dimmock





If that’s a fag hanging out of her mouth, she’s pretty cool. If it’s the single tooth she has left in her mouth, then no. Nice plant, love, now sing ‘All I Want For Christmas’ for me.







Flag Boy



More knees and those delightful knitted swimsuits that showed off a girl’s figure so well. Not sure about those socks, though. Honorary cool guy on the right there is well proud of his flag shirt, isn’t he? “Oh yeah, it’s got a flag on it. Flags are cool now.” Their chanson du jour? ‘Oh Lord Won’t You Buy Me A Mercedes Benz’ cos her with the uke reminds me of Janis Joplin. A bit.







Pointy pointy




Here’s another Janis for you. Janis Paige, apparently. I have no idea who that is, but she has succumbed to the naked thighs fashion of ukulele playing. She also hes extremely pointy boobs, which must get in the way of her upswing when strumming along to the likes of ‘Like A Virgin’.











You can more or less make-up your own jokes for this one, can’t you? The girls look like a big load of fun, so they’d probably start singing ‘Yes, We Have No Bananas’ don’t you think? I wonder if they’ve nailed that bloke by the ankles to that board, and the bowl’s to catch his blood when they drain him. Probably not.







Is that Debbie Reynolds?




Cor, look at the fretboard on that. She’s a ‘Come, Josephine, on My Flying Machine’ girl and no mistake. And yes, Flying Machine is a honking great euphemism.













This may be a competition to find Miss Spalding Maid or…. oh hell, I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine. While you try to spot the ukulele, I’ll just sing you a short snippet of ‘I Wish I Could Shimmy Like My Sister Kate’.









That sand gets everywhere




Swimming costumes and ukuleles again. They go together like bacon and banana in a butty. The boy at the back is well impressed by their three-part harmonies on ‘My Little Stick Of Blackpool Rock’.





Peace man



Hippy ukulele chick probably playing some song about flowers, or something by Joni Mitchell. Ooooh, I wonder what ‘The Hissing Of Summer Lawns’ would sound like on ukulele?










Back to the cossies and the naked thigh meme. These girls are very happy in their silly hats, walking along, singing ‘I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside’. Prom prom prom.








I warned you but you still looked, you rude lot. This lassie has forgotten her vest, and will probably end up with croup. Look at her hair! No, not those, her hair. Now, if only I knew a song about nipples, I’d have her singing that, but I don’t, cos I am so INNOCENT. She can be singing a Frank Zappa song instead. This one.


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